oh, i meant that like a challenge to sexually frustrate you or something but not forever??? like, teasing someone until they want it really bad, then it feels better when you finally get it i dunno, i wasn't thinking that hard about it see, this is what i mean with the dumb shit i didn't know you'd take it that way
i don't wanna stop having sex with you not for real you can't get better at anything without trying at it a bunch first, so who gives a fuck about fumbling i'm telling you, the hottest part to me is when i can get you to make those fuckin noises and saying my name like that i'm not gonna be disappointed unless i think you hated ME
( alex is just texting stuff like it's okay to just talk about the intricacies of sex, and bucky is doing his best to not throw his phone through the wall. he needs to pause repeatedly as he replies to remind himself that this is probably normal now. communication is the in thing, right? so. so.
not that it stops him from turning red as he's typing back. )
it's not dumb! that would be really really fun I think I'm just not used to talking about anything like this at all it kind of wasn't really a thing sex was just sex making babies and you just do it the same way cause you're not supposed to talk about it or well you're supposed to feel ashamed when you talk about it look I'm just I'd like it okay so it's not dumb and you're not dumb I'm just not that smart maybe
that's the stuff I like most when I'm with you too the reactions you have and saying my name the way that you do I could never hate you, Alexander you're stuck with me
dead ass it wasn't just making babies though not that i've got the whole eye-witness account but gay people have been fucking around for like forever literally lol you know all that shit in egypt where it's like "these two dudes lived in the same house and shared everything and they left everything to each other when they died, and they got put in the pyramid the married couple way but that was probably a mistake because they were like brothers"? those dudes HAD to be fucking anyway nah i get what you mean though it's not like people today aren't still kinda like that the ashamed of talking about it thing you're not dumb, i just say shit without thinking about how it sounds sometimes i'm dumb
good, i wanna be stuck with you i love you, james thanks for putting up with me
well yeah I know people have been fucking around forever but I'm like the most stereotypical white guy from the 30s so why would I do that? you're not dumb stop it if anyone's dumb about this it's definitely me, not you I'm the moron who never questioned his preferences because I had it too good
I love you too okay so goddamn fucking much I'm not even sure I'm doing any of this right spending time with you is something I love though not something I put up with
well, yknow recognizing your privilege is the first step nah but really like i'm sorry i stressed you out just gotta be more straight-forward in sex talk or gay-forward lol
aw shit dude i'm gonna cry i hope this means my birthday present is gonna be lit as fuck
[ he was feeling too many emotions and had to run and do a kickflip over them. ]
I mean I was always aware of it I was never not aware of it when your best friend is someone like Steve, you think about a lot of that stuff more than most just don't expect me to know what it means to be anything else automatically is gay-forward a real thing or a pun?
I hope you like it truly if it's not good though I can always get you something else
i don't wanna say you guys had that "two dudes in the pyramid" vibe but i guess you've found enough smut about yourself to know huh and no, i made up gay-forward i think
there's nothing you could get me that'd be disappointing you could get me fuckin soap and i'd love it like "damn, james looked at limoncello and thought of me"
it makes me uncomfortable the stuff people have written about me and Steve Steve apparently doesn't really care but I guess I always thought more about that stuff than he did so maybe that's just my problem
well I would want you to really love it and not just be like here is this random thing he got me and I love that he got me anything
yeah i bet it would like, if people had conspiracy theories about me and erika being an item it'd be fucking weird so, i dunno i don't think it's wrong to care though you want people to see you how you are
look, i trust you that you've got some great thing going on but i'm just saying even if it was soap, i'd love that soap, dead ass
I don't know what kind of spice things are in now I just only know Old Spice being the spicy thing
God I don't even know the name of my aftershave... some cheap thing I found that I barely use
( he mostly just smells like cheap soap instead. but ocean-y since that's apparently what the industry thinks men smell like. ocean-y or woods-y or like some sort of dirt or leather. it changes sometimes depending on what's on sale. )
yeah old spice is still around volcano is an old spice thing there's a million different ones wolfthorn and bearglove are lit but those are like deodorant and bodywash and shit like that my aftershave is nivea one time i needed one and it was on sale so it's just what i use now lol
erika? i haven't said anything but i also haven't hung out with her as much or let her borrow my apartment for parties so she might have a feeling she is psychic though like clairvoyant psychic so she might know anyway don't take it like i'm trying to hide you or some shit though i'm gonna say something i just haven't had an actual s/o since like high school i didn't wanna say something and then fuck it up
I knew I recognized it we had that before also Nivea I haven't really used cologne since the 40s though honestly, a lot of stuff nowadays is scented very strongly so I'm not really sure that I need to do something else for it unless I'm trying to be something or whatever
( which is to say he's not something in his own eyes. it's fine. don't worry about it. )
it's fine if you want to hide me there are good reasons why people would want that I know the norm is to say that that's not okay but I'm not going to pretend telling everyone I have a significant other isn't going to make waves both publicly and in the dark
and not that I don't think you can defend yourself with your psychic shit but I'm not going to willingly make you a target for anyone like any of those people deserve to know about my love life anyway
for what it's worth i like how you smell what do you mean be something? like going undercover or some shit? i get paranoid i smell like cigarettes or vomit or whatever all the time like no one says it but who the fuck is gonna say it, and what if i can't smell it because i'm noseblind to it, you know you would probably say, though, right being all sensitive
anyway there are only two whole people i'd tell erika and tori are safe, hand on heart and all that
that said, like, i worry about you too, you know what being with me would mean for you i know you can handle yourself but it's the same shit you said about me like, i hate that winky saw you because it means my boss saw you but i knew it was gonna happen
what do I smell like to you? no like trying to have a life and stuff sensitive isn't the word I would use but yes I would tell you since I'd assume you wanted to smell like those thing and I don't really think you smell like either that much cigarettes after you've had one or two I think? but after it just fades and I smell you like YOU you
I don't have a lot of people I'd tell left which is really to say none maybe Sam? if things get potentially dangerous for you
( and steve's gone. he doesn't say it. but he's thinking it. repeatedly. )
do you think he'd try to use me against you? I'm trying to understand the worry
you smell clean like soap but also kind of metallic sometimes? i don't think it's the arm, it's more like weapons or gun oil or something or i could be smelling blood in my nose 🤷🏻 my sense of smell kind of sucks don't snort things, it's bad for you
anyway you smell good, so there
yeah anything you care about is leverage dude that's not even fox rules, that's life rules but dude fuckin loves a quid pro quo
kidding it's probably the gun oil it takes on a certain smell when cleaning a gun the arm doesn't smell like anything even to me but that's probably since the vibranium has been thoroughly refined also I think your sense of smell is fine if you can pick up on the gunmetal
so there
right I'm not asking because I don't understand the concept I'm just not sure what exactly he thinks he can do or what you think he'd do he's not part of my world and I'm not part of his but the people I know actually control a lot of the world we both exist in and I have to make concessions for that regardless
anyway okay, i should probably lay out how it works fuckin ziggy stardust doesn't actually make anything happen, not himself he can't actually physically affect anything here people who make deals rack up favors, and most of the time, they pay them back by doing random shit they don't know why they're doing example: a lot of my meds i get because a doctor or pharmacy tech or whatever get a message to write a prescription for, i dunno, alexei volkov or something and send it to whatever cvs they don't know shit about me or why they're doing it, they're just doing it because they owe favors a lot of it's little stuff like that, like leave a package somewhere big grants get big favors. steal something, set something on fire, cause a car crash maybe they're filling an end of another bargain, like okay: dead ass classic monkey paw shit someone wishes for money. some other schmuck drops their cig without stomping it, sets the first person's house on fire, parents die, they collect inheritance so then, say, maybe you feel pissed off because you feel like you got shorted, right. you didn't think it was gonna go like that, so now you're like "why the fuck would i go break glass in a parking lot, i'm not doing that" that's when there's problems. it's not just tit for tat, they're gunking up the machine so it's not something like some cryptid-looking ass showing up in your window you gotta worry about it could BE someone from hydra or any other people you know tailing your ass or more likely a bunch of randos setting off some domino effect they don't even know they're part of
honestly? none of that is too different from HYDRA but there's a difference between choosing to be involved and acting from outside their means to me, I mean I know you don't feel that way but that's usually where things come apart you have to be part of the machine to feel the consequences of it
you are already I'm not he can't do anything to me unless he forces me into the machine and I already have nothing to lose (other than you but like you're already in it, as I said, and your function is already guaranteed)
i love you and that's scary as fuck to me because i don't want anything to happen to you because of me and i know, i remember, whatever you're gonna do is your choice but i'm really fucking scared of something happening to you i don't know how to be like you about it i'm just trying to survive in the machine me being scared doesn't mean i don't believe in you, or... i don't know, it means that i'm scared that i care about someone enough that it could hurt please tell me you get that
of course I do sorry I wanted to keep it flirty but I need to address this properly
this is what love means love means that sometimes you make choices for each other that you know might hurt but you have to trust are worth the risk being able to accept that hurt is part of loving someone, even if things don't go the way you personally prefer ESPECIALLY if they don't
and if that's too much
well I don't think I need to say what the solution is but that's just what it means to love
and I'm not like...whatever you mean when you say "I don't know how to be like you about it" I'm afraid too people know about you that I don't want knowing about you the world isn't as big as we like to pretend it is but I thought letting it go was worth it, getting to see you and be with you for a week
if I'm asking too much of you, then I understand but to me, you'll always be worth it, Alexander
when i say "like you," i mean that you're brave as fuck and you can say things then do them you could be like "i'm gonna go move the sun now" and i'd expect you to fuckin float up into space and move the sun i wish i could be like that i try to be like that but it's just shitty acting i know you're saying you're afraid too, but i really think that much of you you're still the coolest person i know
i'm sorry i'm not better at... being loved?? i guess is what i'm trying to say, lmao like dead ass, when you're ready to bend over backwards for me, i'm just like, why??? which is on me being fucked up like i would do the same for you in a second yknow i don't mean it like i wouldn't
i don't think it's too much i just don't want you to get hurt because of me you can say you won't or you don't care if you do and you'd do it a million times but it's not gonna make me not feel bad cause i'd do the same for you
you are, though brave you admitted how you felt when you didn't have to and you gave me a chance when you didn't even know what it really meant yet because you felt it mattered enough you're the sun in my sky, Alexander
that's how love is though if you do the same I'll probably feel bad too scared for you when I think you only deserve the best and maybe I can't really give that to you anyway upset that I'm not more and can't be the answer to your problems, that you can hurt even when I do everything to try and stop it
but I love you because you're you and not because you're someone else if you were any other way, you wouldn't be the man I love
it didn't feel very brave i was gonna talk about the sun then it turned into me rambling about space like i was gonna call you a black hole because black holes are the only things that have any effect on the sun and they're really misunderstood and how they work is actually wicked cool and then well i guess i just did anyway anyway
i think some of love has to be just being there even if you can't solve the problem i'm not trying to turn it into a "don't help me" thing this isn't about that there's some stuff that's just like, my migraines, right. they're bad, they're always bad, they're just a part of my life. i don't need you to become a paranormal neurosurgeon to help me. all i need you to do is hang out with me and give me gatorade and all that i know you want the best shit for me and i know i'm bad at accepting help but if i say i want something, it's not secret code for some other better thing i dunno if this is coming out right you want to give me the best. if i'm saying what i want and you give that thing to me, that's the best. if i say i want tasty burger, i want tasty burger. i don't secretly want or need filet mignon, you know you, just existing, just being there, is more than enough for me you're all that i want. you. there's no secret better code
so right back atcha my james, my buddy, my pal, love of my life
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
a challenge to sexually frustrate you or something
but not forever???
like, teasing someone until they want it really bad, then it feels better when you finally get it
i dunno, i wasn't thinking that hard about it
see, this is what i mean with the dumb shit
i didn't know you'd take it that way
i don't wanna stop having sex with you
not for real
you can't get better at anything without trying at it a bunch first, so who gives a fuck about fumbling
i'm telling you, the hottest part to me is when i can get you to make those fuckin noises and saying my name like that
i'm not gonna be disappointed unless i think you hated ME
no subject
not that it stops him from turning red as he's typing back. )
it's not dumb! that would be reallyreally fun
I think
I'm just not used to talking about anything like thisat all
it kind of wasn't really a thingsex was just sexmaking babies
and you just do it the same way cause you're not supposed to talk about it
or well you're supposed to feel ashamed when youtalk about it
look
I'm justI'd like it okay so it's not dumb and you're not dumb I'm just not that smart maybe
that's the stuff I like most when I'm with you toothe reactions you have andsaying my name
the way that you do
I could never hate you, Alexanderyou're stuck with meno subject
it wasn't just making babies though
not that i've got the whole eye-witness account but gay people have been fucking around for like forever
literally lol
you know all that shit in egypt where it's like "these two dudes lived in the same house and shared everything and they left everything to each other when they died, and they got put in the pyramid the married couple way but that was probably a mistake because they were like brothers"?
those dudes HAD to be fucking
anyway
nah i get what you mean though
it's not like people today aren't still kinda like that
the ashamed of talking about it thing
you're not dumb, i just say shit without thinking about how it sounds sometimes
i'm dumb
good, i wanna be stuck with you
i love you, james
thanks for putting up with me
no subject
well yeah I know people have been fucking around forever but I'm likethe most stereotypical white guy from the 30s so why would I do that?
you're not dumbstop it
if anyone's dumb about this it's definitely me, not youI'm the moron who never questioned his preferences because I had it too goodI love you too okayso goddamn fucking much I'm not even sure I'm doing any of this rightspending time with you is something I love thoughnot something I put up with
no subject
recognizing your privilege is the first step
nah but really like
i'm sorry i stressed you out
just gotta be more straight-forward in sex talk
or gay-forward
lol
aw shit dude i'm gonna cry
i hope this means my birthday present is gonna be lit as fuck
[ he was feeling too many emotions and had to run and do a kickflip over them. ]
no subject
I mean I was always aware of itI was never not aware of it
when your best friend is someone like Steve, you think about a lot of that stuff more than mostjust don't expect me to know what it means to be anything else automaticallyis gay-forward a real thing or a pun?I hope you like ittruly
if it's not good though I can always get you something elseno subject
i guess you've found enough smut about yourself to know huh
and no, i made up gay-forward
i think
there's nothing you could get me that'd be disappointing
you could get me fuckin soap and i'd love it
like "damn, james looked at limoncello and thought of me"
no subject
it makes me uncomfortablethe stuff people have written about me and Steve
Steve apparently doesn't really care butI guess I always thought more about that stuff than he did so maybe that's just my problemwell I would want you to really love it and not just be like here is this random thing he got me and I love that he got me anythingno subject
like, if people had conspiracy theories about me and erika being an item it'd be fucking weird
so, i dunno
i don't think it's wrong to care though
you want people to see you how you are
look, i trust you that you've got some great thing going on
but i'm just saying
even if it was soap, i'd love that soap, dead ass
no subject
Erika's your best friend, then?I dobut I'm also a public figure so it's not exactly something I can control regardless
it's not soapI can't ruin your Old Spice-y sort of smell anyway
I love how you smell with all of it mixed togetherno subject
you'll meet her some time
pretty sure she's the nicest person on earth so
my old spice-y smell?
yeah that's the charcoal flavored body wash
uhhh volcano
[yes this man just called a scent a flavor 🤦♀️]
my cologne is viktor & rolf spicebomb though
if you need to know what to spray on your pillow to think of me 😏
no subject
I don't know what kind of spice things are in nowI just only know Old Spice being the spicy thing
God I don't even know the name of my aftershave...some cheap thing I found
that I barely use
( he mostly just smells like cheap soap instead. but ocean-y since that's apparently what the industry thinks men smell like. ocean-y or woods-y or like some sort of dirt or leather. it changes sometimes depending on what's on sale. )
does she know about us?no subject
volcano is an old spice thing
there's a million different ones
wolfthorn and bearglove are lit
but those are like deodorant and bodywash and shit like that
my aftershave is nivea
one time i needed one and it was on sale so it's just what i use now lol
erika?
i haven't said anything but i also haven't hung out with her as much
or let her borrow my apartment for parties
so she might have a feeling
she is psychic though
like clairvoyant psychic
so she might know anyway
don't take it like i'm trying to hide you or some shit though
i'm gonna say something
i just haven't had an actual s/o since like high school
i didn't wanna say something and then fuck it up
no subject
I knew I recognized itwe had that before also
Nivea
I haven't really used cologne since the 40s thoughhonestly, a lot of stuff nowadays is scented very strongly so I'm not really sure that I need to do something else for it unless I'm trying to be something or whatever( which is to say he's not something in his own eyes. it's fine. don't worry about it. )
it's fine if you want to hide methere are good reasons why people would want that
I know the norm is to say that that's not okay but I'm not going to pretend telling everyone I have a significant other isn't going to make waves both publicly and in the darkand not that I don't think you can defend yourself with your psychic shit but I'm not going to willingly make you a target for anyonelike any of those people deserve to know about my love life anywayno subject
what do you mean be something? like going undercover or some shit?
i get paranoid i smell like cigarettes or vomit or whatever all the time
like no one says it but who the fuck is gonna say it, and what if i can't smell it because i'm noseblind to it, you know
you would probably say, though, right
being all sensitive
anyway
there are only two whole people i'd tell
erika and tori are safe, hand on heart and all that
that said, like, i worry about you too, you know
what being with me would mean for you
i know you can handle yourself but it's the same shit you said about me
like, i hate that winky saw you because it means my boss saw you but i knew it was gonna happen
no subject
what do I smell like to you?no liketrying to have a life and stuff
sensitive isn't the word I would use butyes I would tell you since I'd assume you wanted to smell like those thing
and I don't really think you smell like either that muchcigarettes after you've had one or two I think? but after it just fades and I smell youlike YOU you
I don't have a lot of people I'd tell leftwhich is really to say none
maybe Sam? if things get potentially dangerous for you( and steve's gone. he doesn't say it. but he's thinking it. repeatedly. )
do you think he'd try to use me against you?I'm trying to understand the worry
no subject
like soap but also kind of metallic sometimes?
i don't think it's the arm, it's more like weapons or gun oil or something
or i could be smelling blood in my nose 🤷🏻
my sense of smell kind of sucks
don't snort things, it's bad for you
anyway
you smell good, so
there
yeah
anything you care about is leverage dude
that's not even fox rules, that's life rules
but dude fuckin loves a quid pro quo
no subject
what if it's my blood?kiddingit's probably the gun oil
it takes on a certain smell when cleaning a gun
the arm doesn't smell like anything even to me but that's probably since the vibranium has been thoroughly refinedalso I think your sense of smell is fine if you can pick up on the gunmetalso thererightI'm not asking because I don't understand the conceptI'm just not sure what exactly he thinks he can do or what you think he'd do
he's not part of my world and I'm not part of hisbut the people I know actually control a lot of the world we both exist in and I have to make concessions for that regardlessno subject
anyway
okay, i should probably lay out how it works
fuckin ziggy stardust doesn't actually make anything happen, not himself
he can't actually physically affect anything here
people who make deals rack up favors, and most of the time, they pay them back by doing random shit they don't know why they're doing
example: a lot of my meds i get because a doctor or pharmacy tech or whatever get a message to write a prescription for, i dunno, alexei volkov or something and send it to whatever cvs
they don't know shit about me or why they're doing it, they're just doing it because they owe favors
a lot of it's little stuff like that, like leave a package somewhere
big grants get big favors. steal something, set something on fire, cause a car crash
maybe they're filling an end of another bargain, like
okay: dead ass classic monkey paw shit
someone wishes for money. some other schmuck drops their cig without stomping it, sets the first person's house on fire, parents die, they collect inheritance
so then, say, maybe you feel pissed off because you feel like you got shorted, right. you didn't think it was gonna go like that, so now you're like "why the fuck would i go break glass in a parking lot, i'm not doing that"
that's when there's problems. it's not just tit for tat, they're gunking up the machine
so it's not something like some cryptid-looking ass showing up in your window you gotta worry about
it could BE someone from hydra or any other people you know tailing your ass
or more likely a bunch of randos setting off some domino effect they don't even know they're part of
no subject
Alexander 🙂( he probably meant to use the smirk. maybe. )
honestly? none of that is too different from HYDRAbut there's a difference between choosing to be involved and acting from outside their means
to me, I meanI know you don't feel that way but that's usually where things come apart
you have to be part of the machine to feel the consequences of ityou are alreadyI'm not
he can't do anything to me unless he forces me into the machineand I already have nothing to lose
(other than you but like you're already in it, as I said, and your function is already guaranteed)no subject
i love you and that's scary as fuck to me because i don't want anything to happen to you because of me
and i know, i remember, whatever you're gonna do is your choice
but i'm really fucking scared of something happening to you
i don't know how to be like you about it
i'm just trying to survive in the machine
me being scared doesn't mean i don't believe in you, or... i don't know, it means that i'm scared that i care about someone enough that it could hurt
please tell me you get that
no subject
of course I dosorry I wanted to keep it flirty but I need to address this properlythis is what love meanslove means that sometimes you make choices for each other that you know might hurt but you have to trust are worth the riskbeing able to accept that hurt is part of loving someone, even if things don't go the way you personally preferESPECIALLY if they don'tand if that's too muchwell I don't think I need to say what the solution isbut that's just what it means to love
and I'm not like...whatever you mean when you say "I don't know how to be like you about it"I'm afraid toopeople know about you that I don't want knowing about you
the world isn't as big as we like to pretend it isbut I thought letting it go was worth it, getting to see you and be with you for a weekif I'm asking too much of you, then I understandbut to me, you'll always be worth it, Alexanderno subject
and you can say things then do them
you could be like "i'm gonna go move the sun now" and i'd expect you to fuckin float up into space and move the sun
i wish i could be like that
i try to be like that but it's just shitty acting
i know you're saying you're afraid too, but i really think that much of you
you're still the coolest person i know
i'm sorry i'm not better at... being loved?? i guess is what i'm trying to say, lmao
like dead ass, when you're ready to bend over backwards for me, i'm just like, why???
which is on me being fucked up
like i would do the same for you in a second yknow
i don't mean it like i wouldn't
i don't think it's too much
i just don't want you to get hurt because of me
you can say you won't or you don't care if you do and you'd do it a million times but it's not gonna make me not feel bad
cause i'd do the same for you
no subject
you are, thoughbraveyou admitted how you felt when you didn't have toand you gave me a chance when you didn't even know what it really meant yet because you felt it mattered enough
you're the sun in my sky, Alexanderthat's how love is thoughif you do the same I'll probably feel bad tooscared for you when I think you only deserve the best and maybe I can't really give that to you anyway
upset that I'm not more and can't be the answer to your problems, that you can hurt even when I do everything to try and stop it
but I love you because you're you and not because you're someone elseif you were any other way, you wouldn't be the man I loveno subject
i was gonna talk about the sun then it turned into me rambling about space
like i was gonna call you a black hole because black holes are the only things that have any effect on the sun and they're really misunderstood and how they work is actually wicked cool and then
well i guess i just did anyway
anyway
i think some of love has to be just being there even if you can't solve the problem
i'm not trying to turn it into a "don't help me" thing
this isn't about that
there's some stuff that's just
like, my migraines, right. they're bad, they're always bad, they're just a part of my life. i don't need you to become a paranormal neurosurgeon to help me. all i need you to do is hang out with me and give me gatorade and all that
i know you want the best shit for me and i know i'm bad at accepting help
but if i say i want something, it's not secret code for some other better thing
i dunno if this is coming out right
you want to give me the best. if i'm saying what i want and you give that thing to me, that's the best. if i say i want tasty burger, i want tasty burger. i don't secretly want or need filet mignon, you know
you, just existing, just being there, is more than enough for me
you're all that i want. you. there's no secret better code
so right back atcha my james, my buddy, my pal, love of my life
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