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[smokes]

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[smokes]

when i say "like you," i mean that you're brave as fuck
and you can say things then do them
you could be like "i'm gonna go move the sun now" and i'd expect you to fuckin float up into space and move the sun
i wish i could be like that
i try to be like that but it's just shitty acting
i know you're saying you're afraid too, but i really think that much of you
you're still the coolest person i know

i'm sorry i'm not better at... being loved?? i guess is what i'm trying to say, lmao
like dead ass, when you're ready to bend over backwards for me, i'm just like, why???
which is on me being fucked up
like i would do the same for you in a second yknow
i don't mean it like i wouldn't

i don't think it's too much
i just don't want you to get hurt because of me
you can say you won't or you don't care if you do and you'd do it a million times but it's not gonna make me not feel bad
cause i'd do the same for you

[counterstep]

( oh. he could cry. but won't. )

you are, though
brave
you admitted how you felt when you didn't have to
and you gave me a chance when you didn't even know what it really meant yet because you felt it mattered enough
you're the sun in my sky, Alexander

that's how love is though
if you do the same I'll probably feel bad too
scared for you when I think you only deserve the best and maybe I can't really give that to you anyway
upset that I'm not more and can't be the answer to your problems, that you can hurt even when I do everything to try and stop it

but I love you because you're you and not because you're someone else
if you were any other way, you wouldn't be the man I love

[smokes]

it didn't feel very brave
i was gonna talk about the sun then it turned into me rambling about space
like i was gonna call you a black hole because black holes are the only things that have any effect on the sun and they're really misunderstood and how they work is actually wicked cool and then
well i guess i just did anyway
anyway

i think some of love has to be just being there even if you can't solve the problem
i'm not trying to turn it into a "don't help me" thing
this isn't about that
there's some stuff that's just
like, my migraines, right. they're bad, they're always bad, they're just a part of my life. i don't need you to become a paranormal neurosurgeon to help me. all i need you to do is hang out with me and give me gatorade and all that
i know you want the best shit for me and i know i'm bad at accepting help
but if i say i want something, it's not secret code for some other better thing
i dunno if this is coming out right
you want to give me the best. if i'm saying what i want and you give that thing to me, that's the best. if i say i want tasty burger, i want tasty burger. i don't secretly want or need filet mignon, you know
you, just existing, just being there, is more than enough for me
you're all that i want. you. there's no secret better code

so right back atcha my james, my buddy, my pal, love of my life

[counterstep]

> it didn't feel very brave
most things that other people think are don't feel that way
you can be shitting your pants doing it but people will still see the strength you didn't realize you were wielding
it's not as obvious to us in the hot seat, you know? cause we're just in our heads and we don't always see the big picture

and yeah I know
this may be spoilers but I'm actually pretty famous for being a great sitting companion for that dude who was Captain America
idk if you heard

also
I may want the best for you but I'm not loaded so I'm not sure how I would pull filet mignon out of my ass on a whim
don't worry, I know tasty burger is tasty
but if you ask for knock off blue Gatorade cause we can't find the real stuff, I'm still going to look for it
so
just so you know that I agree mostly on principal but disagree by certain premise

if there is something I can do, you have to let me know though, okay? I'm usually just guessing and if I don't know for sure, I'll keep trying to guess, even if I got it right already
I can't know unless you tell me


pretend the heart emoji is here
I typed it and it's just so
weird looking to me I'm not sure if I can actually send it

[smokes]

wait what do black holes have to do with captain america
that's not what you meant, right? you're talking about the other thing
nevermind

no, the metaphor fits, check it
because in the metaphor it's like, you're beating yourself up all sad because you think i deserve filet mignon but you can't afford it, but you got me tasty burger and that was all i asked for, so that's what makes me happy

i'm trying to be better about saying if i need something
i don't ask people for things, so it's kind of a big deal
and i appreciate you trying to guess so much

maybe it'll feel better if you always put your hearts in a color
💙 ?

[counterstep]

yeah the other thing
I have a lot of love
and a lot of patience

I mean I don't think either of us would prefer filet mignon over tasty burger
we both know tasty burger has clout
it's tasty burger
everyone knows tasty burger

( it's a brand™ now. )

I'm bad about it to so I get it
but I just know when we have sort of crossed wires it's always when we don't understand each other
and I guess I want to find a way to protect us from being blind to each other when we have the time to spare for it
does that make sense?

💙


you just like blue because of Gatorade though

[smokes]

i mean they should know tasty burger, it's fuckin lit
shit do we need to go to tasty burger
i realized i never took you to tasty burger
it's a boston fast food place
the name is real

yeah it makes sense
i always wanna work on it too you know
if i do something wrong you gotta tell me so i can course correct

bro what
i mean blue gatorade is the best gatorade but i figured your hearts would be blue
mine are black
just like real life lol
🖤

[counterstep]

yes I know there's one by the common you goof

( this is why he's making the joke!!! )

yeah
same for me, okay?
we can work on stuff together
independently I mean but like
in tandem
ish
with cheats

I wouldn't know I've never had Gatorade
if my hearts are blue in real life does that mean I'm dead?
black seems like a different problem
like
a zombie or something
anyway you just want to be cooler than me I guess so I'll let you have it

[smokes]

now i really do want some though

i'm down
that's what couple shit is all about, right

and no your heart's not blue if you're dead
although people say your blood is blue before it hits oxygen and that's bullshit, but it's really really dark red
especially under your veins right
so your heart right now probably looks so dark red it's kind of blue
🫀 see even the emoji has some blue in it
but people kinda turn blue when they die because your heart's not spreading oxygen anymore so your blood gets less and less red
but your blood isn't gonna drain out of your chest the same way it would from your skin so it'd probably stay really really dark almost blue red
i'm guessing
i haven't cut open a dead body
just for the record
anyway sorry for that whole ass tangent you didn't ask for
💙

[ why does he turn into an encyclopedia of nerd facts around bucky. it's like he can only eat all his shoes or teach science lessons so random??? ]

[counterstep]

then get some 🙂

supposedly
it's not really the thing I was aware of before but I guess it's the modern thing and we're modern people

you make it almost sound like you have cut open a dead body
but I appreciate the insight
I was mostly just postulating
for the record also
and wasn't actually confused
🖤

[smokes]

i'll be thinking of you the whole time

yeah, mr. darcy, it's the "modern thing"
i love you dude dead ass lmao

i should've figured that....
i just got excited to talk about blood
so that's on me
🫀

[counterstep]

what? because I made the joke?

I


okay
thanks I think?

how much do you like blood?
like in general

[smokes]

because we were talking about it? it wasn't that deep
i wish we were eating tasty burger together right now 💔 😔

i was teasing you a little but only because i love you
"modern" sounded so proper in this like, old romance novel way
i know that pride and prejudice shit is older than you are

i think it's interesting the same way i think all biology stuff is interesting
it's my thing, so i like knowing how it works
having a fancy ass car isn't as fun if you don't know what button does what

[counterstep]

I'm sorry we don't have it here 🙁
I'd love to eat with you too

right
I guess that's dated for me to say
sorry

so you're very familiar with the human body, then?

[smokes]

don't apologize dude
for real

i'm trying really hard to work in an innuendo like "really familiar with your human body 🖤" but it's not even true because you've got all that serum stuff going on 🤦🏻
but yeah
i'm not a doctor but i think i know a whole fuckin lot

[counterstep]

well you are growing familiar with it, right?
we've done it a few times now so

( 'it' because bucky is too embarrassed to say the word sex. )

it's the same for me
not a doctor but I know a decent amount

have to since doctors can't figure out shit with the serum anyway so I need to figure stuff out on my own sometimes

[smokes]

[ alex won't tease him about the usage of "doing it", especially not after he didn't take mr. darcy well 😭 it's okay, he loves him for it... ]

yeah i hear you
it's like my migraines
even if they were "normal" migraines you can't really diagnose them anyway, you have to prove it's not anything else
but it's obviously related to psychic shit, but what can they do with that, i'm double fucked
just fucking getting through it on my own

anyway
if there's anything you need help figuring out, we could get even more familiar... 😏

[counterstep]

yeah exactly like that
a lot of things that are just anomalies to them are normal for us
so it's easier not needing to explain and figuring it out by myself and such

though
if I'm there, and you have a headache, I do think it helps if I'm there to distract you
for what it's worth

( he means like cuddling but alex can...read that however he wants. )

figuring out like what?

( he's too vanilla to know what this means, bruh. )

[smokes]

[ don't worry, alex took it in the most pg-rated way possible 😂 😭 ]

i like when you're there to distract me
you're really good at taking care of people you know


and i was going for innuendo again
not well lmao
but i mean if there's anything i can do... in general, i dunno
healing your cuts and scrapes or some shit

[counterstep]

it's what I thought my purpose in life was for a long time

( and then steve didn't need him anymore, and... )

oh like


like trying stuff you mean?

( ...he's definitely blushing now. )

cuts and scrapes aren't usually that big of a deal
but I might trouble you with a broken rib or two

I mean
assuming you're in town

[smokes]

yeah? if that was what you thought, what would you have done without the draft? like, career-wise
or did you ever get a chance to think about it

yeah, i mean
if you wanted to
no pressure though, dead ass

i could give it a shot
i mean, i can, i have before
it's just harder because it's more work to put something together than take it apart, right
actually
i wonder if it would be different because you heal fast
like i'd only need to push instead of shove

[counterstep]

didn't exactly think heavily on it but I kinda wanted to go into engineering
don't think I'm actually smart enough for that though
considering the people I knew

I mean
only if you want to
I don't want to put pressure on you either

we can try next time we're together, if you want
it's not that hard to break a rib if you know how to
I get what you mean about putting something together instead of destroying though

pretty sure I'm only good at destroying

[smokes]

i mean, i think you're smart as fuck
i don't know jack shit about engineering, though

dude, if you wanna try something out, that's what i'm here for
vanilla, bdsm, the weird shit
whatever you want, let's go

did you just
are you offering to break a rib for me, for science
you are fuckin bonkers and i love you

but yknow
me too
i'm only good at breaking things
but maybe i could be better at fixing things if i tried

[counterstep]

it was the new thing, then
I believed a lot in it
and it did get us far but I'm not sure if I really have the brain for it, even if I loved reading about it

I
don't know the names of things so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to express any of that

well yeah cause it takes like a couple weeks at worst anyway so it wouldn't be that big of a deal
you're pretty good at fixing things, as far as I'm concerned though

[smokes]

real
that's me with most science shit anyway

oh, uh
you know, i never thought of where to go to learn about that kind of stuff
like watching porn doesn't explain-explain things
maybe reddit

anyway
i don't really try to fix things on the reg
like i said, it's hard
and it's the only time i ever hit my limit
but you make me feel like i could
i patched up that bird okay