( it's been a rather anxious morning, all considered, between not hearing from alex until he was in a place to actually send updates and trying to decide how to make a barren apartment more welcoming somehow. bucky isn't even sure what alex will be feeling by the time he arrives. exhausted? probably. they're both pretty good at always feeling that way. maybe it'd be better to make sure the bed is ready for a nap, and so he fusses.
and paces around the kitchen thinking of if he should make something for them to eat instead. maybe something small? nothing big. alex hadn't said anything about being hungry, really, just annoyed that the coffee was ass. right, he can make a fresh pot, some of that nice mocha bean he found at the grocers. and. and maybe a grilled cheese? he could do a fresh one once alex gets here. fruit? he should probably top up. the soldier is used to keeping a pretty decent stock of fruit in the bowl on the counter, but there's only one small orange, two bananas, and one red apple left.
rushing about, he manages to tidy up and prepare everything he can think of to make whatever alex decides on go smoothly any which way, after arriving. there's no doubt he's forgotten something, in the mix, but alex probably won't be too disappointed by it, right? that hadn't been a thing before, right? maybe?
though he leaves the tv on to spend the rest of the wait trying to relax, bucky fiddles with his phone instead, trying to remember something he must have forgotten to ensure alex doesn't have to worry about a thing anymore, after the night he's had. of course, he can't actually thinking of anything else, now that he's covered all the bases he can think of, so he'll just sit here obsessively checking his text messages until he gets alex's next update. )
[ meanwhile, once being freed from connecticut hell, alex continues to drive like the fast and the furious to drop erika and her friends off at their airbnb situation in queens, then drop his car off at a parking garage because why on earth would he drive in ✨ new york ✨?
honestly it's a little weird that, as hard as he simps for new york, his excitement about getting to spend time with bucky in His Own Space trumps his usual excitement over being Home. (but not actually home, home with all the metaphorical furniture moved around. but, you see... denial is a hell of a drug, and that drug is his actual fave.)
blah blah all his to say he is now walking towards bucky's apartment building, just on his phone. texting his beloved 😔 ]
( bucky immediately sits up taller when the notification buzzes on his phone, quickly tapping through to see what alex sent.
smiling to himself, he huffs gently with fondness as he sits forward to answer. )
yeah should be a panel on the left wall by the door
I'm the third button from the left, second row from the top
( he's hopping up even before he's sent it, rushing to the intercom panel in his apartment to expedite the entry process, maybe because he's a tad overeager, but the soldier likes to think of himself as simply dutiful rather than obsessed. )
sick gimme a second i fucking swear james you better have an elevator
[ alex tries to straighten up a little bit, smooth out some of the wrinkles that had become part of his shirt from his super not-sexy car sleepover. it's almost like as soon as he doesn't look like death warmed over in his face, his wardrobe won't let him win. does bucky care? no. does it even matter since he's dressed in his all-black edgelord uniform for life? no. but he cares!!! he wanted to show up looking fresh, and for what?
(side note: he does have a yellow hiking backpack full of stuff for his vacation. it's discordant with his wardrobe but somehow 100% in line with his personality.)
anyway!! he slams that button because let him in, he's so tired and hungry and affection-deprived. ]
( with a quiet noise to himself, reading the text, bucky's head cocks to the side slightly. the buzz doesn't take long to arrive after, so rather than text back, he simply answer's by intercom. )
Even if we didn't, I'd come down and carry you up, if it'd help. ( there's a telltale, bone-rattling buzz as the lock as released. ) Elevator's just past the mailboxes. Fourth floor. Turn left after leaving the elevator, and I'm the second door you'll come up on.
( there's a beat, almost a moment when bucky should release the button for the intercom, but he doesn't. then, quickly, before his finger slips from the panel altogether: ) I'm glad your here, Alexander.
( then a click. which is probably rude, but. well, he wants to hear alex's response in person. )
[ his train of thought is totally derailed by the idea of getting carried bride style (or fireman style, he'd take that, too) up the stairs by bucky — seriously, wtf, how often does that happen in his life? just about never. ]
Wh— fuckin'... [ in the whole second it took his brain to flicker back to life, the intercom cuts out. rude!!! he was going to say "you, too" and everything.
instead, he has to hold that "you, too" inside while going up the elevator, down the hall and...
is suddenly faced with overthinking how to approach a fucking door when the one he cares about is on the other side. is it unlocked? should he just go in? or yell "hey jackass, it's me"? but then he would look stupid if it was open. as opposed to... knocking, which would make him seem less stupid somehow? sure. only now he has to remind himself to not to bang on the door like the police, which is how he usually... approaches doors. instead, he ends up doing the shave and a haircut knock, immediately followed by wondering how big of a nerd he must be. ]
( the door is unlocked already, bucky hovering by it waiting. he hears when alex approaches also, but lets alex actually knock so he doesn't seem like some creep that was just standing at the door the whole time after buzzing alex in. except that alex seems to hesitate, and bucky has to wonder for a moment if maybe he should just open the door. it feels a little like torture, trying to navigate this without coming across as overbearing. bucky doesn't have much time to wonder before the familiar sounding knock comes, though, and he smiles as he barely resists throwing the door open way too quickly.
just the sight of him has bucky's heart swelling, brows that had been furrowed anxiously now raising eagerly with recognition. the whole of him seems to shift with relief, shoulders rolling back as he leans forward instinctively to be closer. time seems to stop briefly, though it really doesn't and instead bucky just stares for a moment before dragging himself the remaining distance to throw his arms around alex's neck and press in for a tight, desperate hug. )
[ whatever high school-level of internal dilemma he was going through washes away into oblivion when bucky hugs him like that, in a way that isn't crushing him but manages to knock the air out of his lungs anyway, with the sheer emotion of it.
when has anyone ever looked at him like that? needed him like that? (why would anyone?) ]
That's me. [ and that's the first thing that made it out of the amazing super computer of his brain. ] Hey, James.
[ some of the ever-present tension in alex's shoulders lifts while he presses himself against bucky, wrapping his arms around his back. "i love loving and being loved" and other deep thoughts coming in his unpublished autobiography. ]
( he lets out a muffled chuckle against alex's shoulder, at the first. yes, it is him. doubtlessly. then, the greeting follows and a wave of gratitude urges him to grasp on tighter, as if alex might disappear if he doesn't.
bucky knows he could never dream of such an encounter on his own, but the thought still draws out his desperation, a quiet comfited noise sounding only after he's closed every semblance of space between their bodies in what essentially amounts to a big bear hug coming from a super soldier. though he usually seems to touch with a noticeable timidity with the left arm, the needless concern that he might hurt alex seems to escape him in the moment, bucky instead overwhelmed by joy, having alex here with his again, saying his name, making silly jokes. )
[ honestly, if bucky is hugging too hard with his metal arm, alex wouldn't even notice — it would be a new and exciting pain, different from his other pains. but right now, it's not, he's just enjoying the pressure of someone hugging him so hard they're afraid he might disappear? still sipping from the bottle of "can't believe someone loves me this much" juice. he rubs bucky's back with one of his hands currently splayed there, giving an attempt at comfort. ]
Hey, it's okay. I'm here, right? I'm here. [ too sincere? too sincere. alex uses "deflect with humor"! ] And I probably smell like I slept in a fuckin' car, so, uh. Sorry.
( not too sincere at all. it's just the right amount, and coupled with the soothing of alex's hand against his back, the intense energy of the embrace gradually dissolves into something far more intimate and heartfelt.
to the latter, bucky makes a soft amused noise and turns his head to remark: )
Dunno what that's even supposed to smell like, you goof. You smell like. ...like you.
( bucky takes another breath to confirm. the ever present ache in his shoulders fades. )
[ is his impulsive deflection response, although his next thought is "well, maybe. he is from the 1940s..."
(to be fair, smoking is comparatively low on his neverending list of vices and he aggressively showers because of that, his violent bloody lifestyle, and sometimes needing to stand under boiling hot water to Feel Alive. but anyway!! paranoia remains. maybe he just smells like burnt coffee and the state of connecticut now.) ]
No, I know — I know what you mean.
[ honestly it is hard to deflect when it comes to someone as deeply sincere as bucky. who says things like "you smell like home" and "i love you" with his full chest — sometimes it just feels mean in comparison?
even though bucky's grip loosens slightly, alex keeps making soothing motions with his hand. it's sort of reflexive, tbh. ]
( bucky huffs despite himself, always a sucker for alex's silly remarks. )
You don't smoke that much. ( that he can tell, anyway. though there is a stronger hint of tobacco and ash than usual, bucky chalks that more up to having been stuck in an enclosed space without much ventilation. and shitty coffee in connecticut.
no, past the general smells that alex carries with him, there's the scent underneath that often reminds bucky of old spice, and even further beyond that, there is still something he can catch with his heightened senses that feels quintessentially alexander. when he thinks about it more, it's easier to find, and his heart beats harder knowing that there's nothing else that smells like this. )
Yeah, I also— ( it's as the thought passes that he suddenly remembers alex has just completed an arduous journey, and that holding him hostage at the doorway probably isn't ideal for someone who's probably exhausted and slept like shit. shifting back slightly, enough to give some space but without pulling away, he looks up at alex and smiles. ) Sorry, uh, I should let you in, huh?
( glancing past, he tries to see if his neighbors have noticed before drawing back further, a hand slipping out to take alex's, the one that had lingered against his back, and tug in gently inside. )
What are you feeling? Are you hungry? Thirsty? Tired?
[ he didn't expect the validation of... not smelling gross to be so nice. but then again, maybe he never expects anything to feel nice? and yet, here bucky is, doing all these things that don't make him feel dead inside.
even bucky pulling him into his apartment by the hand is such a minor thing that feels unexpectedly Nice. how is it that the little things manage to make him feel all tingly inside? especially in person. there's just something about someone sincerely caring about you, what the fuck. ]
Well, I think I remember being promised real pizza. Real coffee wouldn't be too bad either. Y'know, real being anything that isn't burnt.
[ it's only then — while thinking about having a place to sit — that he glances past bucky to the empty room aesthetic that is his apartment. he'd been prepared for it, and yet not. ]
Dude... please let me get you a couch. Please.
[ when you want to lay down, but not ???in bed??? or on the floor. some of us are too wore out for all that. ]
( chuckling, bucky heads for the kitchen first, fetching a mug for alex. ) Just made a fresh pot since I figured you'd wanna wash your mouth out.
( it's still just warm enough as well, without being scalding. bringing back a fresh cup, black, he passes a glance to his spartan living room and hums gently. )
Well, I coulda got one before you came, but someone said they wanted to go to IKEA with me. ( looking to alex's backpack then, he nods toward the small hallway off to the right. ) You can leave your stuff in the bedroom for now, though.
( then, hesitantly as he second guesses himself, ) Um, unless you'd prefer the couch, after we get it.
( there are mixed signals at play here, and bucky isn't sure which conclusion is correct. )
[ it's only then, when bucky reminds him of the hole in his current logic, that he feels like an asshole, face flushing (but thankfully not as noticeably as it was when he felt like he was on his deathbed.) ]
What? Why would I put— [oh. himself. they are now talking about where he will be putting himself, as opposed to his bag, and now he is sounding like he needs a couch to get away from sharing a bed with bucky. alexander nicholas "hit every branch on the idiot tree on the way down from heaven(?)" kaznakov, why are you so stupid? ? ?]
Oh. No, I meant — I didn't want to get pizza on your bed. For real, no shit. I just didn't think it'd sound like I didn't wanna share your bed or... y'know, whatever.
[ he doesn't want to leave, but he does want to melt into a pile of shame-goo on the floor and sink into the wood, maybe. since that's outside the realm of his ability, he'll just have to take his coffee and drink it. it's not burnt; there is justice in the world after all. 😭 ]
( there's a small, anxious laugh, clearly batting away the shame at the possibility of alex visiting and preferring the couch, and a cleared throat leaves bucky watching as alex drinks his coffee. how he'd missed something so simple, too, just watching alex do something natural and exist.
dampening his lips, bucky clears his throat again, when he realizes he's staring, and turns away to lean against the kitchen counter while still angled toward the entrance where alex stands. )
We could always go out. Or. I mean, the. I put stuff on the media console sometimes. If I need a surface that isn't by my feet.
( the implication is that most things seem to be fine at feet level, though. )
Sorry, I. I guess maybe I should have gotten a coffee table first, at least.
( his arms cross a little defensively as he glances aside. )
[ well, now he is 100% not bringing up the coffee table after feeling like an asshole for bringing up the couch. he's so fixated on "just gonna drink my coffee and act like a normal dude being normal" that he doesn't notice bucky watching him. that moment when you're "the heroine who doesn't know how beautiful she is doing something mundane while her love interest watches her" in every romcom. 😭 😂 ]
No, it's okay, I wasn't thinking. Even though we talked about it, I guess it didn't sink in until I saw everything.
[ because you know what else he remembers from that conversation? how he made bucky feel like shit then, too! why does this man even like him??? alex is the bourgeoisie he mocks with his friends. once more, he is ready to melt into the floor as a pile of shame-goo. ]
We could go out, if you wanna. That'd be cool.
[ is he tired? yes. but consider: he is never too tired for ✨ new york. ✨ (he almost says that maybe they can find a box on the way to be furniture (ala animal crossing) but every second they dedicate to talking about furniture is a second alex wishes he could spend doing almost anything else.) ]
( smiling sheepishly, bucky hums, chewing his lip a moment before nodding and looking to alex again. )
Yeah, I guess it's one of those...things you just gotta see to really feel.
Um. We should go out, then. So you don't need to worry about the furniture.
( part of him is saying it just to follow the path of least resistance. another part recognizes that maybe this is the best choice anyway, since alex probably doesn't want to spend time in such a depressingly empty place either. )
[ it's so okay that as he goes to sit the coffee mug on the counter, he slings his bag off and onto the ground, and then steps back... to kiss bucky directly on the mouth, one hand snaking to hold the back of his neck. "smooches make less sad": a plan that has definitely worked in the past and that alex is hoping works again, because he's a lot better at being physical than using his words. his words? garbage. ]
Like, who gives a fuck, right? [ the words are whispered against bucky's jawline instead of directly into his ear. it's a bold strategy, cotton. "it" being attempting speech yet again. ] I'm here to see you, and you're here.
( the kiss catches him off guard, bucky having stood straight again after alex set his bag down, assuming they'd likely be heading out. instead, he's suddenly quiet breathless and his knees buckle under him, enough so that he has to grasp onto alex with both hands to keep himself steady and to keep from knocking the both of them down in the process.
huffing nervously against alex's cheek, bucky smiles after a moment, nudging gently against alex's ear with his nose. )
Sweet talker.
( but it seems to have done the trick. whatever had been bothering him seems long forgotten now, bucky's grasp shifting to be more intimate and less reactionary before he turns further to brush his lips against alex's cheek. )
[ oh thank god, when that rizz nat 20 hits. but also — wow, he was not expecting that. knees buckling? is he truly that powerful? it all happens so fast that alex's free hand is unneeded as it ends up resting against bucky's back.
do not say something stupid. do not say something stupid. every cell in his body is chanting for him to not fuck this up by talking about anything tangible, especially fucking furniture —
it becomes a non-issue when bucky is the one kissing him, though. receiving attention he didn't initiate from someone he actually cares about? even when it's relatively — comparatively — minor? still makes his insides nervously twist around. he kisses him again, still keeping things mouth-centric, biting at bucky's lip as he puts .005 centimeters of space between them to breathe. his mind is as blank as the clear blue sky. ]
( he makes a quiet noise, both in surprise and pleasure, when alex's lips find his again. god, if that doesn't get his heart racing, bucky isn't sure what will. the nip against his skin has him part his lips, a faint moan at the back of his throat as his fingers dig into alex's shirt. )
Missed you, too, ( he breathes, barely able to speak with more force with the wind having been pulled straight from his lungs. ) You always know how to make everything okay.
[ it's one thing for alex to say that he misses bucky, it's another to feel it in his bones. to need someone and to be needed in return, and for him exactly as he is to be enough. this is the sort of emotion that wells up in him until he can't contain it anymore and has an ugly cry. not right now, but it's going to happen at some point on this trip. or, more realistically, some point this evening. but that's the thing: bucky is possibly the only person who makes him feel like having an ugly crying jag could be okay, and not something worthy of punishment.
but, again, he's not crying right now. right now, alex is mouthing along the curve of bucky's neck. calculating the best place to make a hickey? maybe. shh, don't worry about it. mumbled against his skin, breath hot — ] Yeah? You, too.
[ he wants to say more, more about how he makes him feel safe and protected and more comfortable being himself than anyone else, but the word don't come — or at least, they barely cross his mind before being immediately thrown out for being detracting. ]
I'm the most me when I'm with you. [ he punctuates this by licking his neck, apparently one of those "most me" things. ]
( breath audible as he shivers, bucky tries not to fidget from the way heat stirs in his gut, but his fingers twist harder into alex's clothes, unable to mask the growing desperation. alex's breath is hot and wet against his skin, lips still scented of coffee, and bucky already wants to taste them again. when alex's tongue then dips free, the soldier can only groan as he chews on his lower lip. )
S. Starting to feel that way, too, I think.
( backed against the counter, his hips roll forward slightly to press up against alex. )
All these parts of me that I forgot, but you didn't mind waiting to find. I feel safe, when I'm with you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no sleep til brooklyn.
and paces around the kitchen thinking of if he should make something for them to eat instead. maybe something small? nothing big. alex hadn't said anything about being hungry, really, just annoyed that the coffee was ass. right, he can make a fresh pot, some of that nice mocha bean he found at the grocers. and. and maybe a grilled cheese? he could do a fresh one once alex gets here. fruit? he should probably top up. the soldier is used to keeping a pretty decent stock of fruit in the bowl on the counter, but there's only one small orange, two bananas, and one red apple left.
rushing about, he manages to tidy up and prepare everything he can think of to make whatever alex decides on go smoothly any which way, after arriving. there's no doubt he's forgotten something, in the mix, but alex probably won't be too disappointed by it, right? that hadn't been a thing before, right? maybe?
though he leaves the tv on to spend the rest of the wait trying to relax, bucky fiddles with his phone instead, trying to remember something he must have forgotten to ensure alex doesn't have to worry about a thing anymore, after the night he's had. of course, he can't actually thinking of anything else, now that he's covered all the bases he can think of, so he'll just sit here obsessively checking his text messages until he gets alex's next update. )
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honestly it's a little weird that, as hard as he simps for new york, his excitement about getting to spend time with bucky in His Own Space trumps his usual excitement over being Home. (but not actually home, home with all the metaphorical furniture moved around. but, you see... denial is a hell of a drug, and that drug is his actual fave.)
blah blah all his to say he is now walking towards bucky's apartment building, just on his phone. texting his beloved 😔 ]
dude i'm here
i think
is there a buzzer
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smiling to himself, he huffs gently with fondness as he sits forward to answer. )
yeah should be a panel on the left wall by the doorI'm the third button from the left, second row from the top( he's hopping up even before he's sent it, rushing to the intercom panel in his apartment to expedite the entry process, maybe because he's a tad overeager, but the soldier likes to think of himself as simply dutiful rather than obsessed. )
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i fucking swear james you better have an elevator
[ alex tries to straighten up a little bit, smooth out some of the wrinkles that had become part of his shirt from his super not-sexy car sleepover. it's almost like as soon as he doesn't look like death warmed over in his face, his wardrobe won't let him win. does bucky care? no. does it even matter since he's dressed in his all-black edgelord uniform for life? no. but he cares!!! he wanted to show up looking fresh, and for what?
(side note: he does have a yellow hiking backpack full of stuff for his vacation. it's discordant with his wardrobe but somehow 100% in line with his personality.)
anyway!! he slams that button because let him in, he's so tired and hungry and affection-deprived. ]
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Even if we didn't, I'd come down and carry you up, if it'd help. ( there's a telltale, bone-rattling buzz as the lock as released. ) Elevator's just past the mailboxes. Fourth floor. Turn left after leaving the elevator, and I'm the second door you'll come up on.
( there's a beat, almost a moment when bucky should release the button for the intercom, but he doesn't. then, quickly, before his finger slips from the panel altogether: ) I'm glad your here, Alexander.
( then a click. which is probably rude, but. well, he wants to hear alex's response in person. )
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Wh— fuckin'... [ in the whole second it took his brain to flicker back to life, the intercom cuts out. rude!!! he was going to say "you, too" and everything.
instead, he has to hold that "you, too" inside while going up the elevator, down the hall and...
is suddenly faced with overthinking how to approach a fucking door when the one he cares about is on the other side. is it unlocked? should he just go in? or yell "hey jackass, it's me"? but then he would look stupid if it was open. as opposed to... knocking, which would make him seem less stupid somehow? sure. only now he has to remind himself to not to bang on the door like the police, which is how he usually... approaches doors. instead, he ends up doing the shave and a haircut knock, immediately followed by wondering how big of a nerd he must be. ]
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just the sight of him has bucky's heart swelling, brows that had been furrowed anxiously now raising eagerly with recognition. the whole of him seems to shift with relief, shoulders rolling back as he leans forward instinctively to be closer. time seems to stop briefly, though it really doesn't and instead bucky just stares for a moment before dragging himself the remaining distance to throw his arms around alex's neck and press in for a tight, desperate hug. )
Alex—
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when has anyone ever looked at him like that? needed him like that? (why would anyone?) ]
That's me. [ and that's the first thing that made it out of the amazing super computer of his brain. ] Hey, James.
[ some of the ever-present tension in alex's shoulders lifts while he presses himself against bucky, wrapping his arms around his back. "i love loving and being loved" and other deep thoughts coming in his unpublished autobiography. ]
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bucky knows he could never dream of such an encounter on his own, but the thought still draws out his desperation, a quiet comfited noise sounding only after he's closed every semblance of space between their bodies in what essentially amounts to a big bear hug coming from a super soldier. though he usually seems to touch with a noticeable timidity with the left arm, the needless concern that he might hurt alex seems to escape him in the moment, bucky instead overwhelmed by joy, having alex here with his again, saying his name, making silly jokes. )
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Hey, it's okay. I'm here, right? I'm here. [ too sincere? too sincere. alex uses "deflect with humor"! ] And I probably smell like I slept in a fuckin' car, so, uh. Sorry.
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to the latter, bucky makes a soft amused noise and turns his head to remark: )
Dunno what that's even supposed to smell like, you goof. You smell like. ...like you.
( bucky takes another breath to confirm. the ever present ache in his shoulders fades. )
Like home.
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[ is his impulsive deflection response, although his next thought is "well, maybe. he is from the 1940s..."
(to be fair, smoking is comparatively low on his neverending list of vices and he aggressively showers because of that, his violent bloody lifestyle, and sometimes needing to stand under boiling hot water to Feel Alive. but anyway!! paranoia remains. maybe he just smells like burnt coffee and the state of connecticut now.) ]
No, I know — I know what you mean.
[ honestly it is hard to deflect when it comes to someone as deeply sincere as bucky. who says things like "you smell like home" and "i love you" with his full chest — sometimes it just feels mean in comparison?
even though bucky's grip loosens slightly, alex keeps making soothing motions with his hand. it's sort of reflexive, tbh. ]
You, too. I mean, uh, I missed you.
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You don't smoke that much. ( that he can tell, anyway. though there is a stronger hint of tobacco and ash than usual, bucky chalks that more up to having been stuck in an enclosed space without much ventilation. and shitty coffee in connecticut.
no, past the general smells that alex carries with him, there's the scent underneath that often reminds bucky of old spice, and even further beyond that, there is still something he can catch with his heightened senses that feels quintessentially alexander. when he thinks about it more, it's easier to find, and his heart beats harder knowing that there's nothing else that smells like this. )
Yeah, I also— ( it's as the thought passes that he suddenly remembers alex has just completed an arduous journey, and that holding him hostage at the doorway probably isn't ideal for someone who's probably exhausted and slept like shit. shifting back slightly, enough to give some space but without pulling away, he looks up at alex and smiles. ) Sorry, uh, I should let you in, huh?
( glancing past, he tries to see if his neighbors have noticed before drawing back further, a hand slipping out to take alex's, the one that had lingered against his back, and tug in gently inside. )
What are you feeling? Are you hungry? Thirsty? Tired?
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even bucky pulling him into his apartment by the hand is such a minor thing that feels unexpectedly Nice. how is it that the little things manage to make him feel all tingly inside? especially in person. there's just something about someone sincerely caring about you, what the fuck. ]
Well, I think I remember being promised real pizza. Real coffee wouldn't be too bad either. Y'know, real being anything that isn't burnt.
[ it's only then — while thinking about having a place to sit — that he glances past bucky to the empty room aesthetic that is his apartment. he'd been prepared for it, and yet not. ]
Dude... please let me get you a couch. Please.
[ when you want to lay down, but not ???in bed??? or on the floor. some of us are too wore out for all that. ]
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( it's still just warm enough as well, without being scalding. bringing back a fresh cup, black, he passes a glance to his spartan living room and hums gently. )
Well, I coulda got one before you came, but someone said they wanted to go to IKEA with me. ( looking to alex's backpack then, he nods toward the small hallway off to the right. ) You can leave your stuff in the bedroom for now, though.
( then, hesitantly as he second guesses himself, ) Um, unless you'd prefer the couch, after we get it.
( there are mixed signals at play here, and bucky isn't sure which conclusion is correct. )
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What? Why would I put— [oh. himself. they are now talking about where he will be putting himself, as opposed to his bag, and now he is sounding like he needs a couch to get away from sharing a bed with bucky. alexander nicholas "hit every branch on the idiot tree on the way down from heaven(?)" kaznakov, why are you so stupid? ? ?]
Oh. No, I meant — I didn't want to get pizza on your bed. For real, no shit. I just didn't think it'd sound like I didn't wanna share your bed or... y'know, whatever.
[ he doesn't want to leave, but he does want to melt into a pile of shame-goo on the floor and sink into the wood, maybe. since that's outside the realm of his ability, he'll just have to take his coffee and drink it. it's not burnt; there is justice in the world after all. 😭 ]
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dampening his lips, bucky clears his throat again, when he realizes he's staring, and turns away to lean against the kitchen counter while still angled toward the entrance where alex stands. )
We could always go out. Or. I mean, the. I put stuff on the media console sometimes. If I need a surface that isn't by my feet.
( the implication is that most things seem to be fine at feet level, though. )
Sorry, I. I guess maybe I should have gotten a coffee table first, at least.
( his arms cross a little defensively as he glances aside. )
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No, it's okay, I wasn't thinking. Even though we talked about it, I guess it didn't sink in until I saw everything.
[ because you know what else he remembers from that conversation? how he made bucky feel like shit then, too! why does this man even like him??? alex is the bourgeoisie he mocks with his friends. once more, he is ready to melt into the floor as a pile of shame-goo. ]
We could go out, if you wanna. That'd be cool.
[ is he tired? yes. but consider: he is never too tired for ✨ new york. ✨ (he almost says that maybe they can find a box on the way to be furniture (ala animal crossing) but every second they dedicate to talking about furniture is a second alex wishes he could spend doing almost anything else.) ]
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Yeah, I guess it's one of those...things you just gotta see to really feel.
Um. We should go out, then. So you don't need to worry about the furniture.
( part of him is saying it just to follow the path of least resistance. another part recognizes that maybe this is the best choice anyway, since alex probably doesn't want to spend time in such a depressingly empty place either. )
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[ it's so okay that as he goes to sit the coffee mug on the counter, he slings his bag off and onto the ground, and then steps back... to kiss bucky directly on the mouth, one hand snaking to hold the back of his neck. "smooches make less sad": a plan that has definitely worked in the past and that alex is hoping works again, because he's a lot better at being physical than using his words. his words? garbage. ]
Like, who gives a fuck, right? [ the words are whispered against bucky's jawline instead of directly into his ear. it's a bold strategy, cotton. "it" being attempting speech yet again. ] I'm here to see you, and you're here.
[ 🔨 nailed it. ]
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huffing nervously against alex's cheek, bucky smiles after a moment, nudging gently against alex's ear with his nose. )
Sweet talker.
( but it seems to have done the trick. whatever had been bothering him seems long forgotten now, bucky's grasp shifting to be more intimate and less reactionary before he turns further to brush his lips against alex's cheek. )
Thanks.
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do not say something stupid. do not say something stupid. every cell in his body is chanting for him to not fuck this up by talking about anything tangible, especially fucking furniture —
it becomes a non-issue when bucky is the one kissing him, though. receiving attention he didn't initiate from someone he actually cares about? even when it's relatively — comparatively — minor? still makes his insides nervously twist around. he kisses him again, still keeping things mouth-centric, biting at bucky's lip as he puts .005 centimeters of space between them to breathe. his mind is as blank as the clear blue sky. ]
Uh-huh. I missed you, so...
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Missed you, too, ( he breathes, barely able to speak with more force with the wind having been pulled straight from his lungs. ) You always know how to make everything okay.
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but, again, he's not crying right now. right now, alex is mouthing along the curve of bucky's neck. calculating the best place to make a hickey? maybe. shh, don't worry about it. mumbled against his skin, breath hot — ] Yeah? You, too.
[ he wants to say more, more about how he makes him feel safe and protected and more comfortable being himself than anyone else, but the word don't come — or at least, they barely cross his mind before being immediately thrown out for being detracting. ]
I'm the most me when I'm with you. [ he punctuates this by licking his neck, apparently one of those "most me" things. ]
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S. Starting to feel that way, too, I think.
( backed against the counter, his hips roll forward slightly to press up against alex. )
All these parts of me that I forgot, but you didn't mind waiting to find. I feel safe, when I'm with you.
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