[ there it is again. "it" being bucky saying something so deeply sincere that alex's initial reaction is usually "babe that's cheesy," only now that initial reaction voice is strangely silent. there's no energy for it right now; all the crying left him feeling raw and hollowed out. even when never be sorry for feeling would have sent him on an encore crying jag, there's no more liquid in his body to be used for crying. ]
Well, it was a fuckin'... shitty fuckin' sea. [ he shifts slightly to allow bucky better access to his neck. what if alex absorbed all forms of affection right how while clinging like a limpet? ] I'm not saying sorry, I just wish I was better at being normal.
( with more room, bucky kisses gently along the curve of alex's neck, trying to distract from the raw emptiness of the tank. )
Not sure I really know what normal is anymore either, though, ( he breathes against the skin, then humming and nipping gently to mimic alex's earlier gesture, though much more playfully. )
[ alex gasps sharply — like, he knew what bucky was about to be doing, and something about the sensation still manages to take him by surprise. no, that's not true, not exactly. he'd mentally prepared for kissing, not biting. how nice it is to receive??? it takes him a second to collect his word, thanks to the way the attention to his neck makes him blue screen. ]
There's probably no such thing. You know? Maybe I wish I was better at being better.
( humming gently, he nips again, a little harder, as his left hand shifts to draw up the edge of alex's shirt along his back. )
I think we all wish that one. Even on the good days. ( his lips brush against skin as he speaks, not wanting to draw away. ) But you're right. Normal doesn't exist. It's just the average of what we think it means to be a person.
And being the average means that all the unique things that make each person them aren't there anymore.
[ oh shit dude, he's just going for it. it being pulling at his shirt. (bucky was right — the temperature of the vibranium isn't really different from human skin, but the texture is different enough to give him half of a half-pause. time to ignore it in favor of focusing on more neck things. (part of him is like should i be a more active participant in this display of affection? no, he cried himself stupid, he earned his pillow queen rights.) ]
Mm... yeah, I get all the beauty in being fucked up and the unique stuff that makes us ourselves. [ he sniffs, only to realize damn, he is still pretty congested. ] I could be a little less of myself though. I think I cried out like 80% of the water in me, so I guess that's a start.
( nipping again, he teases the skin with his tongue to carefully draw out a light bruise as his other hand slips under alex's shirt to press against skin. it'll let alex have something to focus on later, once the feelings settle more, but for now, bucky hopes the distraction helps as well. )
You're not fucked up, Alexander. The back of every tapestry is an utter mess but that's just part of making a beautiful picture or pattern.
( he rubs alex's back gently, trying to sooth him again. )
I want you to be yourself. Whatever that means for you. Because that's who I love.
[ this time his sharp intake of breath elevates to more of a gasp, almost a moan. who has time for thoughts — sad or otherwise — when bucky's mouth is on his skin like that and he knows it's going to bruise, but the idea of it is kind of exciting? ]
Oh shit, have you ever turned socks with patterns on them inside out? Those shits are crazy. They've got nightmare fuel back there. You've got Hello Kitty on one side and fuckin'... Cthulhu underneath it.
[ which isn't necessarily him agreeing that he himself is a beautiful pattern, but it's progress. just like the tension draining out of his back as bucky continues massaging it. (every time he does, it reminds him of how tense and knotted it had been before. almost like a microcosm of the events that just unfolded.) ]
( bucky's too busy sucking against alex's skin to answer, but he does offer a playful hum as he eventually draws off with a faint pop, panting faintly for breath. )
You tellin' me you went for the Hello Kitty hiding Cthulhu instead of the Cthulhu hiding Hello Kitty?
( he chuckles faintly, leaning in to nudge at the reddened skin with his nose. )
[ he snorts a laugh. this man is such a nerd and so charming and giving him a hickey and it makes his heart so full 😭 ]
I love you, dude. James. [ and because some of us have a unique and incredible talent to stay horny through the pain — especially when the other half of "us" is dedicated to necking him — ]
Alexander— ( the response is instinctive, just from the way alex says his name. he then presses even closer, as if they aren't already so thoroughly pressed up against each other. his mind craves more, and it's the only action it thinks to take, in the moment.
luckily, alex chooses to prod further, regardless of his lack of finishing sentences. )
Fuckin' sick. [ <- the real mr. darcy over here, apparently. alex peels away from bucky — barely and as briefly as possible — to grab the lube container that fell to the floor during his emotional upheaval. literally he takes .05 seconds before returning to being stuck on bucky like a magnet. ]
Aw, you spruced shit up because you knew I was coming.
[ alex starts to step towards the bed, but it's really more of a half-step... and that's it. it's still a kind of upside down feeling to question if he should be leading. even though his instinct is to walk in and go "hi, i'm here, this is now my home and my world and you're just living in it," a combo of being in a new place and overwhelming soft feelings make him take a little pause.
that said, it's hard to deny that he's currently turned on by the idea of getting to be a (bossy) pillow queen and get railed to sleep after his escape from connecticut and meltdown that wouldn't end. ]
Well, seemed better than letting you wonder if I never do the laundry.
( bucky senses the hesitance and understands immediately. alex has never been to the apartment before, so it's normal to also feel unfamiliar, even without being a guest. reaching for alex's hand, bucky takes his own full step back, giving alex a reassuring smile as he tugs gently to lead on.
it's okay, he wants to say but refrains, expecting it'd take them both out of the moment too much. )
[ handholding seems like such a small intimacy comparatively, especially when it's just to lead him around the apartment, but that's what makes the warm feeling blossom in alex's chest. the feeling that just sort of settles in around bucky and doesn't stop, something softly frenetic. like glitter and pop rocks, maybe.
not saying it's okay is the right move — he'd probably cry again and he's trying to stop sounding sniffly, damn. ]
Dude, I would never wonder that. In my head you've got like three outfits that you instantly wash after wearing. Not in a bad way, just... y'know, you're kinda tidy and minimalist and shit.
I have more than three. ( it sounds a little defensive, especially with bucky's step faltering a fraction, but probably because it's close to the truth. ) It's just practical. I'm not exactly swimming in wealth. I gotta save up for the expensive gear somehow.
( excuses, excuses. with how empty the place is, one might wonder where all that supposed expensive gear is. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Well, it was a fuckin'... shitty fuckin' sea. [ he shifts slightly to allow bucky better access to his neck. what if alex absorbed all forms of affection right how while clinging like a limpet? ] I'm not saying sorry, I just wish I was better at being normal.
no subject
Not sure I really know what normal is anymore either, though, ( he breathes against the skin, then humming and nipping gently to mimic alex's earlier gesture, though much more playfully. )
no subject
There's probably no such thing. You know? Maybe I wish I was better at being better.
no subject
I think we all wish that one. Even on the good days. ( his lips brush against skin as he speaks, not wanting to draw away. ) But you're right. Normal doesn't exist. It's just the average of what we think it means to be a person.
And being the average means that all the unique things that make each person them aren't there anymore.
no subject
Mm... yeah, I get all the beauty in being fucked up and the unique stuff that makes us ourselves. [ he sniffs, only to realize damn, he is still pretty congested. ] I could be a little less of myself though. I think I cried out like 80% of the water in me, so I guess that's a start.
no subject
You're not fucked up, Alexander. The back of every tapestry is an utter mess but that's just part of making a beautiful picture or pattern.
( he rubs alex's back gently, trying to sooth him again. )
I want you to be yourself. Whatever that means for you. Because that's who I love.
no subject
Oh shit, have you ever turned socks with patterns on them inside out? Those shits are crazy. They've got nightmare fuel back there. You've got Hello Kitty on one side and fuckin'... Cthulhu underneath it.
[ which isn't necessarily him agreeing that he himself is a beautiful pattern, but it's progress. just like the tension draining out of his back as bucky continues massaging it. (every time he does, it reminds him of how tense and knotted it had been before. almost like a microcosm of the events that just unfolded.) ]
no subject
You tellin' me you went for the Hello Kitty hiding Cthulhu instead of the Cthulhu hiding Hello Kitty?
( he chuckles faintly, leaning in to nudge at the reddened skin with his nose. )
Cute. You're cute, Alexander. I adore you.
no subject
[ he snorts a laugh. this man is such a nerd and so charming and giving him a hickey and it makes his heart so full 😭 ]
I love you, dude. James. [ and because some of us have a unique and incredible talent to stay horny through the pain — especially when the other half of "us" is dedicated to necking him — ]
Hey, did you still want...
[ finish the sentence? no, why would he. ]
no subject
luckily, alex chooses to prod further, regardless of his lack of finishing sentences. )
Yes. Yes. I do. I want you. I missed you.
no subject
Your bed, right?
no subject
Yeah. The one I don't usually use. I changed the sheets. ( that somehow feels like an important detail. )
no subject
[ alex starts to step towards the bed, but it's really more of a half-step... and that's it. it's still a kind of upside down feeling to question if he should be leading. even though his instinct is to walk in and go "hi, i'm here, this is now my home and my world and you're just living in it," a combo of being in a new place and overwhelming soft feelings make him take a little pause.
that said, it's hard to deny that he's currently turned on by the idea of getting to be a (bossy) pillow queen and get railed to sleep after his escape from connecticut and meltdown that wouldn't end. ]
no subject
( bucky senses the hesitance and understands immediately. alex has never been to the apartment before, so it's normal to also feel unfamiliar, even without being a guest. reaching for alex's hand, bucky takes his own full step back, giving alex a reassuring smile as he tugs gently to lead on.
it's okay, he wants to say but refrains, expecting it'd take them both out of the moment too much. )
no subject
not saying it's okay is the right move — he'd probably cry again and he's trying to stop sounding sniffly, damn. ]
Dude, I would never wonder that. In my head you've got like three outfits that you instantly wash after wearing. Not in a bad way, just... y'know, you're kinda tidy and minimalist and shit.
no subject
( excuses, excuses. with how empty the place is, one might wonder where all that supposed expensive gear is. )