[ is his impulsive deflection response, although his next thought is "well, maybe. he is from the 1940s..."
(to be fair, smoking is comparatively low on his neverending list of vices and he aggressively showers because of that, his violent bloody lifestyle, and sometimes needing to stand under boiling hot water to Feel Alive. but anyway!! paranoia remains. maybe he just smells like burnt coffee and the state of connecticut now.) ]
No, I know — I know what you mean.
[ honestly it is hard to deflect when it comes to someone as deeply sincere as bucky. who says things like "you smell like home" and "i love you" with his full chest — sometimes it just feels mean in comparison?
even though bucky's grip loosens slightly, alex keeps making soothing motions with his hand. it's sort of reflexive, tbh. ]
( bucky huffs despite himself, always a sucker for alex's silly remarks. )
You don't smoke that much. ( that he can tell, anyway. though there is a stronger hint of tobacco and ash than usual, bucky chalks that more up to having been stuck in an enclosed space without much ventilation. and shitty coffee in connecticut.
no, past the general smells that alex carries with him, there's the scent underneath that often reminds bucky of old spice, and even further beyond that, there is still something he can catch with his heightened senses that feels quintessentially alexander. when he thinks about it more, it's easier to find, and his heart beats harder knowing that there's nothing else that smells like this. )
Yeah, I also— ( it's as the thought passes that he suddenly remembers alex has just completed an arduous journey, and that holding him hostage at the doorway probably isn't ideal for someone who's probably exhausted and slept like shit. shifting back slightly, enough to give some space but without pulling away, he looks up at alex and smiles. ) Sorry, uh, I should let you in, huh?
( glancing past, he tries to see if his neighbors have noticed before drawing back further, a hand slipping out to take alex's, the one that had lingered against his back, and tug in gently inside. )
What are you feeling? Are you hungry? Thirsty? Tired?
[ he didn't expect the validation of... not smelling gross to be so nice. but then again, maybe he never expects anything to feel nice? and yet, here bucky is, doing all these things that don't make him feel dead inside.
even bucky pulling him into his apartment by the hand is such a minor thing that feels unexpectedly Nice. how is it that the little things manage to make him feel all tingly inside? especially in person. there's just something about someone sincerely caring about you, what the fuck. ]
Well, I think I remember being promised real pizza. Real coffee wouldn't be too bad either. Y'know, real being anything that isn't burnt.
[ it's only then — while thinking about having a place to sit — that he glances past bucky to the empty room aesthetic that is his apartment. he'd been prepared for it, and yet not. ]
Dude... please let me get you a couch. Please.
[ when you want to lay down, but not ???in bed??? or on the floor. some of us are too wore out for all that. ]
( chuckling, bucky heads for the kitchen first, fetching a mug for alex. ) Just made a fresh pot since I figured you'd wanna wash your mouth out.
( it's still just warm enough as well, without being scalding. bringing back a fresh cup, black, he passes a glance to his spartan living room and hums gently. )
Well, I coulda got one before you came, but someone said they wanted to go to IKEA with me. ( looking to alex's backpack then, he nods toward the small hallway off to the right. ) You can leave your stuff in the bedroom for now, though.
( then, hesitantly as he second guesses himself, ) Um, unless you'd prefer the couch, after we get it.
( there are mixed signals at play here, and bucky isn't sure which conclusion is correct. )
[ it's only then, when bucky reminds him of the hole in his current logic, that he feels like an asshole, face flushing (but thankfully not as noticeably as it was when he felt like he was on his deathbed.) ]
What? Why would I put— [oh. himself. they are now talking about where he will be putting himself, as opposed to his bag, and now he is sounding like he needs a couch to get away from sharing a bed with bucky. alexander nicholas "hit every branch on the idiot tree on the way down from heaven(?)" kaznakov, why are you so stupid? ? ?]
Oh. No, I meant — I didn't want to get pizza on your bed. For real, no shit. I just didn't think it'd sound like I didn't wanna share your bed or... y'know, whatever.
[ he doesn't want to leave, but he does want to melt into a pile of shame-goo on the floor and sink into the wood, maybe. since that's outside the realm of his ability, he'll just have to take his coffee and drink it. it's not burnt; there is justice in the world after all. 😭 ]
( there's a small, anxious laugh, clearly batting away the shame at the possibility of alex visiting and preferring the couch, and a cleared throat leaves bucky watching as alex drinks his coffee. how he'd missed something so simple, too, just watching alex do something natural and exist.
dampening his lips, bucky clears his throat again, when he realizes he's staring, and turns away to lean against the kitchen counter while still angled toward the entrance where alex stands. )
We could always go out. Or. I mean, the. I put stuff on the media console sometimes. If I need a surface that isn't by my feet.
( the implication is that most things seem to be fine at feet level, though. )
Sorry, I. I guess maybe I should have gotten a coffee table first, at least.
( his arms cross a little defensively as he glances aside. )
[ well, now he is 100% not bringing up the coffee table after feeling like an asshole for bringing up the couch. he's so fixated on "just gonna drink my coffee and act like a normal dude being normal" that he doesn't notice bucky watching him. that moment when you're "the heroine who doesn't know how beautiful she is doing something mundane while her love interest watches her" in every romcom. 😭 😂 ]
No, it's okay, I wasn't thinking. Even though we talked about it, I guess it didn't sink in until I saw everything.
[ because you know what else he remembers from that conversation? how he made bucky feel like shit then, too! why does this man even like him??? alex is the bourgeoisie he mocks with his friends. once more, he is ready to melt into the floor as a pile of shame-goo. ]
We could go out, if you wanna. That'd be cool.
[ is he tired? yes. but consider: he is never too tired for ✨ new york. ✨ (he almost says that maybe they can find a box on the way to be furniture (ala animal crossing) but every second they dedicate to talking about furniture is a second alex wishes he could spend doing almost anything else.) ]
( smiling sheepishly, bucky hums, chewing his lip a moment before nodding and looking to alex again. )
Yeah, I guess it's one of those...things you just gotta see to really feel.
Um. We should go out, then. So you don't need to worry about the furniture.
( part of him is saying it just to follow the path of least resistance. another part recognizes that maybe this is the best choice anyway, since alex probably doesn't want to spend time in such a depressingly empty place either. )
[ it's so okay that as he goes to sit the coffee mug on the counter, he slings his bag off and onto the ground, and then steps back... to kiss bucky directly on the mouth, one hand snaking to hold the back of his neck. "smooches make less sad": a plan that has definitely worked in the past and that alex is hoping works again, because he's a lot better at being physical than using his words. his words? garbage. ]
Like, who gives a fuck, right? [ the words are whispered against bucky's jawline instead of directly into his ear. it's a bold strategy, cotton. "it" being attempting speech yet again. ] I'm here to see you, and you're here.
( the kiss catches him off guard, bucky having stood straight again after alex set his bag down, assuming they'd likely be heading out. instead, he's suddenly quiet breathless and his knees buckle under him, enough so that he has to grasp onto alex with both hands to keep himself steady and to keep from knocking the both of them down in the process.
huffing nervously against alex's cheek, bucky smiles after a moment, nudging gently against alex's ear with his nose. )
Sweet talker.
( but it seems to have done the trick. whatever had been bothering him seems long forgotten now, bucky's grasp shifting to be more intimate and less reactionary before he turns further to brush his lips against alex's cheek. )
[ oh thank god, when that rizz nat 20 hits. but also — wow, he was not expecting that. knees buckling? is he truly that powerful? it all happens so fast that alex's free hand is unneeded as it ends up resting against bucky's back.
do not say something stupid. do not say something stupid. every cell in his body is chanting for him to not fuck this up by talking about anything tangible, especially fucking furniture —
it becomes a non-issue when bucky is the one kissing him, though. receiving attention he didn't initiate from someone he actually cares about? even when it's relatively — comparatively — minor? still makes his insides nervously twist around. he kisses him again, still keeping things mouth-centric, biting at bucky's lip as he puts .005 centimeters of space between them to breathe. his mind is as blank as the clear blue sky. ]
( he makes a quiet noise, both in surprise and pleasure, when alex's lips find his again. god, if that doesn't get his heart racing, bucky isn't sure what will. the nip against his skin has him part his lips, a faint moan at the back of his throat as his fingers dig into alex's shirt. )
Missed you, too, ( he breathes, barely able to speak with more force with the wind having been pulled straight from his lungs. ) You always know how to make everything okay.
[ it's one thing for alex to say that he misses bucky, it's another to feel it in his bones. to need someone and to be needed in return, and for him exactly as he is to be enough. this is the sort of emotion that wells up in him until he can't contain it anymore and has an ugly cry. not right now, but it's going to happen at some point on this trip. or, more realistically, some point this evening. but that's the thing: bucky is possibly the only person who makes him feel like having an ugly crying jag could be okay, and not something worthy of punishment.
but, again, he's not crying right now. right now, alex is mouthing along the curve of bucky's neck. calculating the best place to make a hickey? maybe. shh, don't worry about it. mumbled against his skin, breath hot — ] Yeah? You, too.
[ he wants to say more, more about how he makes him feel safe and protected and more comfortable being himself than anyone else, but the word don't come — or at least, they barely cross his mind before being immediately thrown out for being detracting. ]
I'm the most me when I'm with you. [ he punctuates this by licking his neck, apparently one of those "most me" things. ]
( breath audible as he shivers, bucky tries not to fidget from the way heat stirs in his gut, but his fingers twist harder into alex's clothes, unable to mask the growing desperation. alex's breath is hot and wet against his skin, lips still scented of coffee, and bucky already wants to taste them again. when alex's tongue then dips free, the soldier can only groan as he chews on his lower lip. )
S. Starting to feel that way, too, I think.
( backed against the counter, his hips roll forward slightly to press up against alex. )
All these parts of me that I forgot, but you didn't mind waiting to find. I feel safe, when I'm with you.
[ whenever bucky is the one saying stuff like this, alex never ceases to be surprised. bucky is a cool and amazing superhero (shut up, he is) and alex is a jackass with scrambled egg psychic brains. he's not smart or good at anything (source: poor self-esteem and emotional abuse 👍 ) besides breaking everything around him. but here bucky is, saying stuff like he feels safe with him, and it defies logic — but gives him a sense of importance, too. maybe he could protect — not just bucky, but anyone, anything — instead of destroy.
anyway — those are all very nice thoughts, but they pass through like a light breeze when more important things are happening, like the the way licking turns into biting along the curve of the other's neck and shoulder. ]
Uh-huh. [another kiss ending with his teeth needling into bucky's shoulder, followed by — ] You're worth waiting for, though.
[ it's true. imagine getting to know someone before initiating anything physical? and caring about them first? alex would've said "sounds fake" until now, after all this.
(related: if this man does not stop trying to roll his hips against him?? being tired and gross does nothing to dissuade the prospect of Getting Some; anyone who says otherwise is weak and a coward.) ]
( he gasps with the graze of teeth, moaning gently as he leans his head further to the side, encouraging alex to keep his attention there. pressing up harder, hands pulling against alex's clothing to bring him more firmly up against his body, bucky hums to stifle another moan, instead huffing after a moment to answer, )
I never would have thought. Or known. Without you.
[ at this point in time, alex is faced with a dilemma: bucky seems super invested in the attention being paid to his neck/shoulder and would like to keep his own supply of (mostly incoherent) approval and praise coming, but also he bucky is grinding against him and grabbing at his shirt like a security blanket. not that he's one to complain about whatever remaining space between them being closed, but it sure does remind him that he's a simple boy with simple needs who did not almost die in connecticut for nothing. ]
I can take my shirt off if it's a problem, y'know. Or more. Or...?
[ the last "or" is punctuated by both hands moving to bucky's sides and moving lower... lower... to the waistband of his pants. ]
( oh, fuck. the feeling of alex's hands running down his sides makes him shudder noticeably as his breath catches in his throat. bucky needs a moment after to remember his place, where his thoughts had wandered off to with alex so close. )
Best I've got is gun oil.
( which sounds more like a suggestion than an excuse. )
[ that makes him pause. he is not taken completely out of the moment, but he does have to pull over to the side of the moment's road. ]
Don't worry, I came prepared. I should've been a boy scout, dead ass. [ tbf, he is rather proud of himself for including lube with his toothbrush, throw blanket, and coffee mug on the "things i'll bring to spruce up the apartment" list. (but he doesn't immediately move to grab it. why would he when he can just keep his hands on bucky's hips just a little bit longer?) ]
Unless you really wanted to bring guns into this? Seems kind of early for it, though...
[ as in: not opposed, he just figured maybe there would be some steps along the way 😂 😭 ]
Nah, it's good. I remembered because I was thinking of stuff to bring anyway.
[ he snorts as he finally pulls away to rifle around in his bag for the lube. luckily it doesn't take long, because his bag was already on the floor next to the counter. and to think, if bucky had a couch, it would have added maybe half a minute to this process, which would be unacceptable. ]
You think? [ this train of thinking gets him off-task again, and leaves him passing the bottle back and forth between his hands, fidgeting. ] I was joking about the boy scout thing, but maybe? Probably. I was kind of sensitive, I guess, and I followed my sister around a lot. I was always sneaking and getting into things. Like, my baba called me lisenok. And then after about eight, I was kind of a shithead, so.
( listening earnestly, bucky smiles fondly as alex recounts some of his memories. when alex finishes, he gives a slight nod. )
It's not the scouts thing that really made me think it exactly. I just. Feel like I understand the things that make you you a lot better now, and. And even if you weren't in scouts, you woulda always done your best to be the best friend you could be, right? Being prepared and all that.
I think that matters. And I think that means I would have loved you then, too. Maybe not in the...exact same way as right now, but you would have been very important to me.
[ his mouth slants into a slight, thoughtful frown. he starts off by glancing down at the lube and talking to it more than bucky — ]
I don't think I was always prepared like that, but I know I cared a lot about making other people happy. Until I didn't. I mean, I guess I still did. Even when I started breaking everything, I never hurt people. Just, you know. Doors, windows, walls, anything not glued down somewhere. I was so angry all the time. I still am. Sometimes I still wake up angry, it's like... this big thing inside me that's so big it has nowhere else to go. [ at that point, he does stop to glance at bucky more directly. ]
There's less of it when you're around. It doesn't feel like something that's gonna explode out of my chest as much.
[ having accepted that doing the nasty time is on pause at this point, alex can't help but pry. ]
I feel like you know a lot about what makes me me, but I don't know a lot about what makes you you. Not the kid stuff. Like, what were you like as a kid? Is it too painful to think about or do you figure it's all in a museum doing the speaking for you?
( the way alex looks away pointedly as he goes into detail is sobering, and a pool of shame fills his stomach as bucky regrets raising the matter. it's not that he think he understands alex any less, of course, but the fact that alex has so many bad emotions tied to his past is probably good reason he shouldn't have raised it. should never raise it. something beautiful and warm was broken down until it couldn't even recognize itself anymore, and bucky can't change that, no matter how warmly he thinks on who that child was. )
Sorry, I didn't mean to make you remember stuff like that. ( he looks away guiltily, unable to meet alex's gaze. ) Not trying to derail things either, I promise. I just. Had a feeling.
( and wanted to share it. like an idiot. )
It's not painful, but most people don't want to talk about it, so I never bring it up. The museum doesn't have much about me either other than my war record. And most of the...biographies have a lot of random shit wrong.
Just because I suck at feelings doesn't mean you shouldn't share yours. I like your feelings.
[ it's true, they took a detour from all that sex they were about to have, but it's not like anyone ever asks alex about stuff like this. maybe it hurts a little, but it's a good kind of hurt. a healthy one, like ripping off a bandaid. ]
I wanna hear about it. [ returning to closeness, he uses his free hand to trace along the curve of bucky's arm — delicate again. overthinking it again, maybe. ] Not right now, unless you want to. But I wanna know stuff about you. The little stuff, not just... whatever.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ is his impulsive deflection response, although his next thought is "well, maybe. he is from the 1940s..."
(to be fair, smoking is comparatively low on his neverending list of vices and he aggressively showers because of that, his violent bloody lifestyle, and sometimes needing to stand under boiling hot water to Feel Alive. but anyway!! paranoia remains. maybe he just smells like burnt coffee and the state of connecticut now.) ]
No, I know — I know what you mean.
[ honestly it is hard to deflect when it comes to someone as deeply sincere as bucky. who says things like "you smell like home" and "i love you" with his full chest — sometimes it just feels mean in comparison?
even though bucky's grip loosens slightly, alex keeps making soothing motions with his hand. it's sort of reflexive, tbh. ]
You, too. I mean, uh, I missed you.
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You don't smoke that much. ( that he can tell, anyway. though there is a stronger hint of tobacco and ash than usual, bucky chalks that more up to having been stuck in an enclosed space without much ventilation. and shitty coffee in connecticut.
no, past the general smells that alex carries with him, there's the scent underneath that often reminds bucky of old spice, and even further beyond that, there is still something he can catch with his heightened senses that feels quintessentially alexander. when he thinks about it more, it's easier to find, and his heart beats harder knowing that there's nothing else that smells like this. )
Yeah, I also— ( it's as the thought passes that he suddenly remembers alex has just completed an arduous journey, and that holding him hostage at the doorway probably isn't ideal for someone who's probably exhausted and slept like shit. shifting back slightly, enough to give some space but without pulling away, he looks up at alex and smiles. ) Sorry, uh, I should let you in, huh?
( glancing past, he tries to see if his neighbors have noticed before drawing back further, a hand slipping out to take alex's, the one that had lingered against his back, and tug in gently inside. )
What are you feeling? Are you hungry? Thirsty? Tired?
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even bucky pulling him into his apartment by the hand is such a minor thing that feels unexpectedly Nice. how is it that the little things manage to make him feel all tingly inside? especially in person. there's just something about someone sincerely caring about you, what the fuck. ]
Well, I think I remember being promised real pizza. Real coffee wouldn't be too bad either. Y'know, real being anything that isn't burnt.
[ it's only then — while thinking about having a place to sit — that he glances past bucky to the empty room aesthetic that is his apartment. he'd been prepared for it, and yet not. ]
Dude... please let me get you a couch. Please.
[ when you want to lay down, but not ???in bed??? or on the floor. some of us are too wore out for all that. ]
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( it's still just warm enough as well, without being scalding. bringing back a fresh cup, black, he passes a glance to his spartan living room and hums gently. )
Well, I coulda got one before you came, but someone said they wanted to go to IKEA with me. ( looking to alex's backpack then, he nods toward the small hallway off to the right. ) You can leave your stuff in the bedroom for now, though.
( then, hesitantly as he second guesses himself, ) Um, unless you'd prefer the couch, after we get it.
( there are mixed signals at play here, and bucky isn't sure which conclusion is correct. )
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What? Why would I put— [oh. himself. they are now talking about where he will be putting himself, as opposed to his bag, and now he is sounding like he needs a couch to get away from sharing a bed with bucky. alexander nicholas "hit every branch on the idiot tree on the way down from heaven(?)" kaznakov, why are you so stupid? ? ?]
Oh. No, I meant — I didn't want to get pizza on your bed. For real, no shit. I just didn't think it'd sound like I didn't wanna share your bed or... y'know, whatever.
[ he doesn't want to leave, but he does want to melt into a pile of shame-goo on the floor and sink into the wood, maybe. since that's outside the realm of his ability, he'll just have to take his coffee and drink it. it's not burnt; there is justice in the world after all. 😭 ]
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dampening his lips, bucky clears his throat again, when he realizes he's staring, and turns away to lean against the kitchen counter while still angled toward the entrance where alex stands. )
We could always go out. Or. I mean, the. I put stuff on the media console sometimes. If I need a surface that isn't by my feet.
( the implication is that most things seem to be fine at feet level, though. )
Sorry, I. I guess maybe I should have gotten a coffee table first, at least.
( his arms cross a little defensively as he glances aside. )
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No, it's okay, I wasn't thinking. Even though we talked about it, I guess it didn't sink in until I saw everything.
[ because you know what else he remembers from that conversation? how he made bucky feel like shit then, too! why does this man even like him??? alex is the bourgeoisie he mocks with his friends. once more, he is ready to melt into the floor as a pile of shame-goo. ]
We could go out, if you wanna. That'd be cool.
[ is he tired? yes. but consider: he is never too tired for ✨ new york. ✨ (he almost says that maybe they can find a box on the way to be furniture (ala animal crossing) but every second they dedicate to talking about furniture is a second alex wishes he could spend doing almost anything else.) ]
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Yeah, I guess it's one of those...things you just gotta see to really feel.
Um. We should go out, then. So you don't need to worry about the furniture.
( part of him is saying it just to follow the path of least resistance. another part recognizes that maybe this is the best choice anyway, since alex probably doesn't want to spend time in such a depressingly empty place either. )
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[ it's so okay that as he goes to sit the coffee mug on the counter, he slings his bag off and onto the ground, and then steps back... to kiss bucky directly on the mouth, one hand snaking to hold the back of his neck. "smooches make less sad": a plan that has definitely worked in the past and that alex is hoping works again, because he's a lot better at being physical than using his words. his words? garbage. ]
Like, who gives a fuck, right? [ the words are whispered against bucky's jawline instead of directly into his ear. it's a bold strategy, cotton. "it" being attempting speech yet again. ] I'm here to see you, and you're here.
[ 🔨 nailed it. ]
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huffing nervously against alex's cheek, bucky smiles after a moment, nudging gently against alex's ear with his nose. )
Sweet talker.
( but it seems to have done the trick. whatever had been bothering him seems long forgotten now, bucky's grasp shifting to be more intimate and less reactionary before he turns further to brush his lips against alex's cheek. )
Thanks.
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do not say something stupid. do not say something stupid. every cell in his body is chanting for him to not fuck this up by talking about anything tangible, especially fucking furniture —
it becomes a non-issue when bucky is the one kissing him, though. receiving attention he didn't initiate from someone he actually cares about? even when it's relatively — comparatively — minor? still makes his insides nervously twist around. he kisses him again, still keeping things mouth-centric, biting at bucky's lip as he puts .005 centimeters of space between them to breathe. his mind is as blank as the clear blue sky. ]
Uh-huh. I missed you, so...
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Missed you, too, ( he breathes, barely able to speak with more force with the wind having been pulled straight from his lungs. ) You always know how to make everything okay.
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but, again, he's not crying right now. right now, alex is mouthing along the curve of bucky's neck. calculating the best place to make a hickey? maybe. shh, don't worry about it. mumbled against his skin, breath hot — ] Yeah? You, too.
[ he wants to say more, more about how he makes him feel safe and protected and more comfortable being himself than anyone else, but the word don't come — or at least, they barely cross his mind before being immediately thrown out for being detracting. ]
I'm the most me when I'm with you. [ he punctuates this by licking his neck, apparently one of those "most me" things. ]
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S. Starting to feel that way, too, I think.
( backed against the counter, his hips roll forward slightly to press up against alex. )
All these parts of me that I forgot, but you didn't mind waiting to find. I feel safe, when I'm with you.
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anyway — those are all very nice thoughts, but they pass through like a light breeze when more important things are happening, like the the way licking turns into biting along the curve of the other's neck and shoulder. ]
Uh-huh. [another kiss ending with his teeth needling into bucky's shoulder, followed by — ] You're worth waiting for, though.
[ it's true. imagine getting to know someone before initiating anything physical? and caring about them first? alex would've said "sounds fake" until now, after all this.
(related: if this man does not stop trying to roll his hips against him?? being tired and gross does nothing to dissuade the prospect of Getting Some; anyone who says otherwise is weak and a coward.) ]
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I never would have thought. Or known. Without you.
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I can take my shirt off if it's a problem, y'know. Or more. Or...?
[ the last "or" is punctuated by both hands moving to bucky's sides and moving lower... lower... to the waistband of his pants. ]
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Best I've got is gun oil.
( which sounds more like a suggestion than an excuse. )
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Don't worry, I came prepared. I should've been a boy scout, dead ass. [ tbf, he is rather proud of himself for including lube with his toothbrush, throw blanket, and coffee mug on the "things i'll bring to spruce up the apartment" list. (but he doesn't immediately move to grab it. why would he when he can just keep his hands on bucky's hips just a little bit longer?) ]
Unless you really wanted to bring guns into this? Seems kind of early for it, though...
[ as in: not opposed, he just figured maybe there would be some steps along the way 😂 😭 ]
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Glad you came prepared though. Usually, I'd be in the same boat, but it's new territory and all that, right? So.
Well, anyway. I bet we woulda gotten along, as kids. Maybe even best friends.
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[ he snorts as he finally pulls away to rifle around in his bag for the lube. luckily it doesn't take long, because his bag was already on the floor next to the counter. and to think, if bucky had a couch, it would have added maybe half a minute to this process, which would be unacceptable. ]
You think? [ this train of thinking gets him off-task again, and leaves him passing the bottle back and forth between his hands, fidgeting. ] I was joking about the boy scout thing, but maybe? Probably. I was kind of sensitive, I guess, and I followed my sister around a lot. I was always sneaking and getting into things. Like, my baba called me lisenok. And then after about eight, I was kind of a shithead, so.
[ this took such a turn??? and yet..... ]
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It's not the scouts thing that really made me think it exactly. I just. Feel like I understand the things that make you you a lot better now, and. And even if you weren't in scouts, you woulda always done your best to be the best friend you could be, right? Being prepared and all that.
I think that matters. And I think that means I would have loved you then, too. Maybe not in the...exact same way as right now, but you would have been very important to me.
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I don't think I was always prepared like that, but I know I cared a lot about making other people happy. Until I didn't. I mean, I guess I still did. Even when I started breaking everything, I never hurt people. Just, you know. Doors, windows, walls, anything not glued down somewhere. I was so angry all the time. I still am. Sometimes I still wake up angry, it's like... this big thing inside me that's so big it has nowhere else to go. [ at that point, he does stop to glance at bucky more directly. ]
There's less of it when you're around. It doesn't feel like something that's gonna explode out of my chest as much.
[ having accepted that doing the nasty time is on pause at this point, alex can't help but pry. ]
I feel like you know a lot about what makes me me, but I don't know a lot about what makes you you. Not the kid stuff. Like, what were you like as a kid? Is it too painful to think about or do you figure it's all in a museum doing the speaking for you?
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Sorry, I didn't mean to make you remember stuff like that. ( he looks away guiltily, unable to meet alex's gaze. ) Not trying to derail things either, I promise. I just. Had a feeling.
( and wanted to share it. like an idiot. )
It's not painful, but most people don't want to talk about it, so I never bring it up. The museum doesn't have much about me either other than my war record. And most of the...biographies have a lot of random shit wrong.
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[ it's true, they took a detour from all that sex they were about to have, but it's not like anyone ever asks alex about stuff like this. maybe it hurts a little, but it's a good kind of hurt. a healthy one, like ripping off a bandaid. ]
I wanna hear about it. [ returning to closeness, he uses his free hand to trace along the curve of bucky's arm — delicate again. overthinking it again, maybe. ] Not right now, unless you want to. But I wanna know stuff about you. The little stuff, not just... whatever.
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