[ alex is giving bucky a Look, only to remember his judgmental looks can't be heard over the phone. r.i.p. he loves his nerdy, corny ass but no... ]
Shit dude, this is like the musical Cats meets the Hunger Games. ... Cats is like a bunch of dead cats having a dance-off to see who goes to heaven, a Hunger Games is a book where a bunch of kids fight to death in an arena, like, gladiator-style. This is about to be some Cats Hunger Games, isn't it?
( a beat where bucky considers why this is his favorite still. then: )
It's a little gruesome, I guess. In a certain way. But this is the kind of life I always understood. Dog eat dog. Or cat eat cat, in this case. Especially growing up in New York, you saw the eat eating the rich very often, in the papers, and the poor were always just collateral. And...that's just why I'm so literal, I guess. Things were just that way before. And that was how you dealt with things.
( there's a bit of a uncertain noise as he rubs the back of his neck anxiously. )
...sorry, if it's not to your taste I can stop and find something else.
What? No, I wasn't judging, dude. I wanna hear about the cat murder. That's way more interesting than the cats eating the old guy because he, I dunno, liked cats too much or some shit. [ pause, then ] Also, uh, I hate to break it to about society, but there was never a point where it wasn't that. You can want it to be better, but you know it won't be. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, if you don't eat a dog some dog'll eat you. Or whatever.
[ did the metaphor run away with him? maybe it ran away with him. ]
Anyway, that's not even— I know you're not about to fuckin' end the story right before the cat murder. That's edging, I fucking swear.
Edging? ( no, alex, don't explain that right now. )
I know it's not different now, but people are taught differently. People are more...I dunno. Blindly optimistic and hopeful about...a lot.
Anyway, I wasn't...trying to talk about this. Um. I'll continue.
And they began to quarrel.
They bit and scratched and clawed each other and made such a great noise that the very old man and the very old woman ran into the house as fast as they could. They did not like such quarreling. But after a while the noise stopped and the very old man and the very old woman peeped out of the window to see what had happened.
[ alex like: what's up, not me, i'm dead inside /dabs. but the most important thing is that they aren't going to talk about this anymore. just "cat murder." ✨ ]
Did... [ he laughs a laugh that is immediately cut short as he hisses in pain from moving too much (i.e. at all.) ] I'm just— "they did not like such quarreling." [he laughs again, but it's a carefully contained "how can i cause the least movement possible" snicker.] It's such an understatement, right? Like these cats are going feral and the couple's just like "Oh dang, that's annoying, let's go inside." And I know, I know, kids book. But still.
Hey, it's a fair response. I'd probably wanna get the hell outta dodge too, if they were starting to fight.
( while he sounds amused, there's another pause before he decides to add: ) I don't really like arguing either. It's.
...well, anyway.
They could not see a single cat!
“I think they must have eaten each other all up,” said the very old woman, “It’s too bad!” “But look!” said the very old man, and he pointed to a bunch of high grass. In it sat one little frightened kitten. They went out and picked it up. It was thin and scraggly.
“Poor little kitty,” said the very old woman. “Dear little kitty,” said the very old man, “how does it happen that you were not eaten up with all those hundreds and thousands and millions and billions and trillions of cats?”
[ he almost comments on "i don't like arguing," but before he can formulate a (most likely stupid) response, bucky is like "anyway let's keep going."
alex doesn't even comment on the logistics of how all the cats could have eaten each other without leaving a trace behind. how can he when there's a whole ass star of the show? he's not heartless, just an idiot. ]
Oh shit, dude. There's a picture, right? I bet that cat looks sad but like, in the "I wanna make him feel better" way.
...it's probably my favorite picture in the book. He's just a sweet, little guy. I used to wish I could hold him properly. I dunno. Kid stuff.
“Oh, I’m just a very homely little cat,” said the kitten, “So when you asked who was the prettiest, I didn’t say anything. So nobody bothered about me.”
He didn't belong, so. They ignored him.
They took the kitten into the house, where the very old woman gave it a warm bath and brushed its fur until it was soft and shiny.
Right, yeah, I get that. [ then he almost suggests he can hold winky, while, again, having to remind himself that it's a fucking aberration and not a cat. ]
I don't blame you. I've known this cat's even existed for a few seconds and I'd kill people for this cat. Or the other cats, but I guess they took care of themselves.
( bucky holds winky enough, when he's visiting. but it's nowhere near as satisfying as holding alex. don't worry, alex. bucky will say it sooner or later. )
It's important to protect the ones are left behind. No one should be abandoned like that.
( maybe he's talking about steve. maybe he's talking about everyone he's saved. maybe he's talking about alex. who really knows. )
Every day they gave it plenty of milk— —and soon it grew nice and plump.
“And it is a very pretty cat, after all!” said the very old woman.
( there's a pause as bucky's voice grows a bit more wistful, reading each word with more purpose. )
“It is the most beautiful cat in the whole world,” said the very old man. “I ought to know, for I’ve seen— Hundreds of cats, Thousands of cats, Millions and billions and trillions of cats— and not one is as pretty as this one.”
[ once again, alex is getting the profound sense that this is one of those conversations about one thing that's actually about something else. the gravity of no one should be abandoned like that doesn't feel like it's about the sad storybook cat. (because bucky has said as much before and he's self-obsessed, he wonders if he is, in fact, talking about him. and just like i'm here, someone saying the things he's always wanted to hear out loud, with such finality, makes him feel something. some part of him unfurling, maybe.)
he doesn't even interrupt with one of his one-brain-celled comments (not that he could even think of one) just because he can tell bucky's really getting into it. and there's something a little asmr-tingly about his voice. ]
Aw, that's really sweet. ... Is that it?
[ it seems very "happily ever after"-esque, and if there's more he'd expected bucky to keep going. ]
Yeah. The picture at the end. I like that one too. There's one of them together, but on the last page, the kitten is curled up, peaceful and happy.
After reading that the first time, I always wondered what it might be like, finding the perfect cat that suits you. Like. Out of everything that's out there, with all the stuff that happens and people being shitty and all that. If something managed to survive all that and still make its way to you. It'd mean a lot, right? And you'd want to protect that more than anything.
I mean. I would, anyway. So.
( there's a faint sigh, some lingering distress still leftover from how alex had basically told him to shut up if he wanted alex to get up. and he had because he wanted alex happy, even if he wasn't safe.
alex still ended up in the hospital anyway, and bucky hadn't managed to change anything at all for him either. )
I think, maybe. You're that cat. For me. The one that suits me, and the one I want to protect, but.
( he clicks his tongue faintly, shaking his head to stifle the sting in his eyes. )
I can't do anything, can I? All I can do is read this stupid book, and hope everything works out okay.
[ the concussion is why he can't regulate his emotions. obviously. that's why being called bucky's homely cat is going to make him cry. he was supposed to be crying about how horrified he is of hospitals, not this.
because it was kind of true, wasn't it? he'd went through a lot of awful shitty things, a lot of metaphorical cat murder, and he still ended up with bucky.
part of him reels about being the cat and not also(???) the old man, but he's become at least vaguely self-aware enough to know that it's because he doesn't know how to accept help. that maybe he can be the homely cat getting brushed and having a nice time and not go out feral fighting for his life every day.
what was difficult was having to remind himself that he couldn't just be the homely cat. as soon as he found a way to be comfortable, managed to find some — any — modicum of joy, work came back. work and the yo-yo of pleasure and pain and living the salvador dali painting version of life.
it was easier to ignore it, because if he thought about it, if he gave words to it, he ended up here. with bucky feeling useless because he couldn't make the sun move, and alex feeling like shit for being realistic. (not resigned. realistic.)
that said, he could at least apologize for his earlier behavior. ]
C'mon, don't be like that. You're doing a lot. ... Is it too on the nose if I call you my old man? [ he snorts at the funny little joke he just made before continuing ]
You really — I do feel better now. I think. Mostly better.
[ he's gonna clear his throat before going into this one. ] I dunno if it's clear enough, or if I made it clear enough, but I'm not just kind of scared of hospitals, okay? Like, I get the "nobody wants to go and everyone gets scared but you have to if you wanna feel better" thing. I'm not stupid. But thinking about it turns into this — when you panic and can't think of anything else? And you'll say anything to make the problem stop or go away or... whatever. Just being here makes me think of all the bad shit that's ever happened to me. And I can feel all the death, you know? Not that there's more than a graveyard or some shit, it just hits harder when it's fresher. I dunno, it's hard to describe. And I don't know how to not feel that, so I'm sorry I acted like a psycho and couldn't control it. I can usually control everything. Maybe the concussion fucked me up.
[ which — ]
Oh, uh, just so you know. I had a concussion and a ruptured disc. They can't really do anything besides a nerve block for the pain then send me on my merry fuckin' way for it to heal on its own. That part doesn't even bother me, you know? Just the whole... being here waiting. You helped me not think about it. Don't feel like any of the shit like that you do isn't a big deal, okay? I wouldn't've even talked to anybody else.
Rather be your old man than anyone else's. Which is. I'm still trying to understand it sometimes. How we ended up. How this happened. Not because I mind, but I just. I never thought.
( well, that isn't true, is it? he had thought. before the war. before the draft. even a little after the draft. but once the 107th was assigned for deployment to italy, the place where everyone was being sent to die, he decided to live as much as he could until death found him.
but then it never came, and everything else that happened after still didn't really promise much of any comfort.
and now this. this strangely painful thing that he holds close to his chest like it should be natural, since it had been before, and he isn't even sure if he's doing the right thing, trying to find happiness at all. does he really change anything? would alex really be any better just from his reading a children's book?
while he tries to remain doubtful for his own sake, bucky still can't help the way tears well in his eyes despite his attempt to hold them back. alex wouldn't have talked to anybody else. he wants to believe that so desperately even when every fiber of his being says otherwise. he's been left behind enough times to know better, but he still wants to mean something. )
I know about the hospitals. I. I get it, really, and I'm not trying to undermine you when I...say or suggest stuff. Things are just... They sent so many of us to die in that war, you know. Not to actually...win anything but to just hold down a front until they came up with a better solution. And I had a lot of time to think about what that meant even after I showed up on site.
How I handle things is...probably not realistic. I know what HYDRA did only made it worse, but I can't help how I think, either. The part of me that will do anything to survive is the only reason I even became the Winter Soldier. Because I let them break me instead of kill me. And. I still will fight tooth and nail to live because I don't want anyone else deciding for me that I didn't deserve to.
Maybe that doesn't translate well, though. I know it's not something you can just choose to ignore. And what I've been through is probably more extreme than you'll ever need to deal with. That I hope you'll ever need to deal with either.
I'm sorry. If it's not helpful. ( there's a faint snuffle. ) I'm not sure what else I can even do, though. I'm a weapon, not a...a...
( he doesn't know what to fill the end with. doesn't want to know. it hurts enough, admitting. )
If reading something helps, then I'll try that again next time.
( but it still feels like nothing. he's miles away, and alex is stuck in a hospital and in pain, and all he can do is read something to him? hydra wouldn't have let that fly. he needs to be better than that. he's supposed to be better than that. )
[ alex almost points it out, almost says "don't cry, it's okay," but he knows he himself would rather die before being called out on his own crying, so. he has to sit back and be the mature one. think with his thinking brain. that's what you do when the one you love is struggling, right? maybe.
when the one you love is struggling and you're weighed down with the guilt of not being what they're looking for. ]
I get it. Part of it. I think. I'm a weapon, too. That's... why I saw myself in you. And that you're a good person, and I thought that could be me, too. Don't you get it? I know it's not the same, but it was close enough to me. It mattered to me.
[ no, he's not going to let his own voice get watery now. not when he's barely even said anything. ]
But, I just wanna… let me say something, okay? I just wanna say something.
You make it sound like I don't wanna survive. Like I'm just going out of my way to not, or being difficult, or… I don't know. I know I'm fucked up and kinda play fast and loose with my well-being, but I get up every day when I could just not. I'm not fighting a war, the war is my fucking self. I'm fighting myself, and I wanna get out of it myself. I have the power to do that, I just need to work on using it that way. Fixing things instead of breaking them. Then maybe I could fix me. And — you know, I remember what dying felt like. It wasn't good or bad, but it didn't hurt. It was the last time I didn't hurt. It'd be so easy to… [ he trails off for a moment, not sure where he's even going. it sounds suicidal? but it's not. it's the lack of trying to live. of waiting for it to be over, of being his mother. ] But I don't. Sometimes I don't even know why, but I don't.
And — hold on, let me keep going. I'm not done. I'm trying to say something, but I wanna say it right.
[ he breathes. swallows spit. (tries to ignore the pain current pulsating through his spine.) he knows – or decided, rather – that bucky isn't going to like what he has to say, but it's better to rip the bandaid off now. ]
I think something keeps happening. [ nice. strong start, alexander. 10/10. ] What I mean is, I let you in, you help me, and then you get upset that you couldn't do more. And what that does is, it ends up making me feel bad that I can't open up fast enough to give you that. Like, that's not who I am as a person. This is why I never – this is why I don't let people in. I'm a difficult piece of shit, I'm a spiteful asshole. And I'm trying to be better, but I dunno if I'll ever be better enough for you. I don't need you to do everything for me, okay? That's not what I want. Literally all I want is for someone to be there and not freak out or leave me when I can't control anything, or if I'm being too much. I told you, when I was a kid. I got punished for my feelings being too big. So I tried to make them less, and now I barely know how to be a fucking person. You're allowed to get mad at me and call me out when I'm being a shithead, just don't leave. That's all I want.
And… listen to me when I say that, okay? Listen to me when I tell you what I need. If I don't know, I don't know. I'm sorry I don't always have... marching orders for you. But if I say I just need you to be there, don't act like it's a hidden message and I actually wanted you to bring down the sun for me, too. Being there is enough. That's why I blow a whole ass gasket when I think I fucked up enough for you to be done with my bullshit. I really thought you were gonna be done with me after the hospital thing.
[ he sighs, breath shaky. just when you thought he was done, he comes back for the encore. ]
I know you want me to be the little cat you can protect from everything. And, you know what? Fuckin' dope. I like being the little cat sometimes. I don't let my guard down around anyone else long enough for that. But I'm not the little cat, I'm a person, you know? I'm a fucked up person, I'm gonna do stupid, awful shit, and you can't always save me from everything, no matter how much you want to. I know you want to, and I know you'd fuckin' break your back trying, but that's not what I want you to do. It's not what I'm asking you to do. If… if you're gonna be upset that you can't be whatever you think you gotta be for me, I don't know what to do with that, you know? I don't know how to make you happy if I can't be the thing you want me to be. If I say I'm happy that you read me a book, and you're upset that you can't do more, I can't… I can't pull more out of thin air for you. Can you love me without needing more than that? 'Cause I don't know how to give you more than that.
[ you know what, ending on that note felt like shit. a very "take me or leave me" note for which he isn't sure bucky's going to handle well (because alex expressing his own needs is very hard and he rarely expects anyone to handle them well.) ]
( by the time alex finishes, bucky isn't even sure how to answer. that was so much all at once. it's hard enough dissecting while hearing, but then to be expected to answer back? especially with so many misunderstanding littered throughout it.
it's messy, which is very alex and endearing in its own way, but it's also alex taking bucky's own problems and making them around him, when bucky was only trying to explain the world that he sees isn't quite the same. )
I'm not trying to say you don't wanna survive. I'm just trying to explain how I break that sort of situation down isn't the same way as how you do it cause of my experiences not being the same. That's not like a...a callout, either. I also remember what dying was like. And I get that, too, okay? I was just trying to say I'm fundamentally a different person, and that means we're not going to see eye to eye on everything.
I'm not saying you have to be anyone else or open up more or, or whatever you're trying to say with all that other stuff either. I don't think you're asking more from me than I can give or. Or that I'm expecting you to have all the answers or something. I'm not...clear on why that's the impression, and I'm sorry if that's what that seems like, but I have my own shit too, okay? And a lot of that has nothing to do with you. At all.
I'm the person I am for a lot of reasons, and the person I am is someone who always wants to help, that, yes, would break my back trying to help and do shit and protect people or whatever. That's who I am. I already love you and don't need more than what you give me. But. Like.
Is it impossible...for you to be with someone who. Wants to bend over backward for you? Because I can't change what I fundamentally am, Alexander. I. I was already like this, and everything HYDRA put in just amplified the standard I hold myself to. But that's, again, me and how things work in my head, and not you and what you want or need or. Anything else like that.
I don't know why you think little cats are angels either, cause they really aren't. They scratch shit up and break things when they don't know better or when they just feel like they need to get something out. They get messy and need to be cleaned and reminded that they're cared for because they don't always know how to care for themselves. Yeah, maybe the cat breaks a vase and steps in some glass. You can't save cats from everything either. But that doesn't mean you as a person would just want less for them because they're being stupid, right? I doubt you'd even think that. Hell, when I was reading, you said you'd do anything for that cat. You can want that no matter what shit he does because he's still that homely little thing everyone forgot about that deserves to be loved, even if he tries to run away sometimes because he needs space. So can I.
[ it's okay, alex tired himself out with all his bullshit. so tired he could dead ass take a nap in the white death box.
have you ever wanted to be like someone so much, you forget what actually comprises 'someone' in the first place?? bucky is better. like, he knows, without a doubt, bucky is a better person than him. if he could just... crouch down a couple inches... to see eye to eye with him...
"whatever you're trying to say" ruffles him a little bit, but really — what was he trying to say? any time? at all? ever? also, once again: alex is self-obsessed. with alex. what do you mean bucky's life doesn't revolve around him? sounds fake.
maybe the crux of the problem is what bucky finally rolls around to — is it impossible to be with someone who wants to bend over backwards for him? is the issue that he doesn't think he wants it, or he doesn't think he deserves it? bucky's really trying to make him go head to head with an argument that amounts to "sorry i'm a good person." what does alex have for that? nothing. zero. zilch.
and then: not sure if he loves... being compared to a kitten that breaks things and messes things up? and is stupid? but it made sense. it felt more true than the real end of the story. the clean, simplified version. and it's true that he would love the cat even if it did all the messy shitty cat things, even if the picture of the cat only exists in his imagination. it's an across the board animals thing. animals are better than people, they've never done anything wrong their entire lives, etc. imagine applying that kind of warmth and kindness to himself??? ]
The only cat I've ever had is Winky, and it's not even a cat. It's an aberration that stares at you for hours and eats dead birds. But, uh, yeah. I think that makes sense. All of it.
I guess maybe my problem is that I don't know how to be loved by someone who wants to bend over backwards for me. You know? I wanna deserve it. And I don't think I deserve it sometimes. Or at lot of the time. Because I'm the cat that knocks stuff over and breaks everything but... like, I wasn't lying about wanting to do anything for the cat. [ you can't hit him with at "everybody forgot about and deserves to be loved" shit. he would echo it but it might make him cry. again. ] I just wish I was... uh... a better cat. For you. Because you care so much about every thing, and I'm just me.
Edited (one day i'll learn to write (but not today)) 2024-07-16 00:43 (UTC)
You've technically had more cats than me, since my only credit was feeding the alley toms our scraps, back before. Winky's not so bad either, aberration or not. He could shit everywhere instead. Most feral cats don't know how to use a corner or box without being taught.
It's not...about if you think you deserve it though, is it? I definitely don't think I deserve the way you look at me. But you feel what you feel anyway, right? And even if I said I felt like I didn't deserve it, you'd probably tell me to shut up and that I deserve nice things.
That's how I feel, for you. I don't want whatever you're calling a better cat. I want you. Because you're you. Not because you're anyone or anything else.
I knew what I signed up for.
( just casually like bringing it back to the old couple there. )
You know... I don't think Winky shits. [ because he surely does not keep a litter box around for winky; that would make him A PET. and yet, he has never found accidents??? he just didn't think about it until now. it's not surprising, just weird. just winky things. ]
Anyway, yeah. Yeah, exactly that. Like the furniture thing. You do deserve nice things, dude. James.
[ has bucky already said that he wants alex the way he is? multiple times, countless times? yes. and yet, it has taken this long to sink into his big dumb head that bucky might actually mean it. why would he lie? no discernible reason, but it's just that hard to imagine someone saying it and meaning it as fully as bucky does. that someone could mean it without an "except for..." tagged on at the end.
it takes him a moment to formulate a reply, mostly because he's busy getting all choked up. ]
I just... fuck, you're gonna make me cry, you fuckin'... [ who knows what that hollow insult was gonna be as he sniffs. ] Thanks. I love you, you know? Like, a lot.
Were you looking for — no, I don't wanna know. [ the less time he spends thinking about winky's asshole (or lack thereof), the better. see, this is why that cat-looking monster is the worst. ]
But yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Like, that's what all this is, right? We both don't know how to accept things we deserve. Which is fucking stupid, because we both deserve shit like... I dunno, nice things, love. Basic human shit. But we can both work on it together, y'know? Letting ourselves accept things, I mean.
It's okay. [ he chuckles while trying to be as still as possible — gotta avoid that pain. ] I get it. Feeling a lot. And, uh, feeling a lot about you in particular.
[ instead of repeating "i love you" into infinity — because he could — he broaches the related topic of ] Who's visiting who next? Is it you visiting me?
[ instead of what he might usually do (make a big show of "well i can do it anyway my back isn't that bad i'll do whatever i want!!!") he lets himself accept a nice gesture. character development??? it's more likely than you think. ]
Oh yeah? What kind of get well soon gift are we talking about?
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Shit dude, this is like the musical Cats meets the Hunger Games. ... Cats is like a bunch of dead cats having a dance-off to see who goes to heaven, a Hunger Games is a book where a bunch of kids fight to death in an arena, like, gladiator-style. This is about to be some Cats Hunger Games, isn't it?
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( a beat where bucky considers why this is his favorite still. then: )
It's a little gruesome, I guess. In a certain way. But this is the kind of life I always understood. Dog eat dog. Or cat eat cat, in this case. Especially growing up in New York, you saw the eat eating the rich very often, in the papers, and the poor were always just collateral. And...that's just why I'm so literal, I guess. Things were just that way before. And that was how you dealt with things.
( there's a bit of a uncertain noise as he rubs the back of his neck anxiously. )
...sorry, if it's not to your taste I can stop and find something else.
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[ did the metaphor run away with him? maybe it ran away with him. ]
Anyway, that's not even— I know you're not about to fuckin' end the story right before the cat murder. That's edging, I fucking swear.
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I know it's not different now, but people are taught differently. People are more...I dunno. Blindly optimistic and hopeful about...a lot.
Anyway, I wasn't...trying to talk about this. Um. I'll continue.
And they began to quarrel.
They bit and scratched and clawed each other and made such a great noise that the very old man and the very old woman ran into the house as fast as they could. They did not like such quarreling.
But after a while the noise stopped and the very old man and the very old woman peeped out of the window to see what had happened.
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Did... [ he laughs a laugh that is immediately cut short as he hisses in pain from moving too much (i.e. at all.) ] I'm just— "they did not like such quarreling." [he laughs again, but it's a carefully contained "how can i cause the least movement possible" snicker.] It's such an understatement, right? Like these cats are going feral and the couple's just like "Oh dang, that's annoying, let's go inside." And I know, I know, kids book. But still.
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( while he sounds amused, there's another pause before he decides to add: ) I don't really like arguing either. It's.
...well, anyway.
They could not see a single cat!
“I think they must have eaten each other all up,” said the very old woman, “It’s too bad!”
“But look!” said the very old man, and he pointed to a bunch of high grass. In it sat one little frightened kitten. They went out and picked it up. It was thin and scraggly.
“Poor little kitty,” said the very old woman.
“Dear little kitty,” said the very old man, “how does it happen that you were not eaten up with all those hundreds and thousands and millions and billions and trillions of cats?”
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alex doesn't even comment on the logistics of how all the cats could have eaten each other without leaving a trace behind. how can he when there's a whole ass star of the show? he's not heartless, just an idiot. ]
Oh shit, dude. There's a picture, right? I bet that cat looks sad but like, in the "I wanna make him feel better" way.
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...it's probably my favorite picture in the book. He's just a sweet, little guy. I used to wish I could hold him properly. I dunno. Kid stuff.
“Oh, I’m just a very homely little cat,” said the kitten, “So when you asked who was the prettiest, I didn’t say anything. So nobody bothered about me.”
He didn't belong, so. They ignored him.
They took the kitten into the house, where the very old woman gave it a warm bath and brushed its fur until it was soft and shiny.
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I don't blame you. I've known this cat's even existed for a few seconds and I'd kill people for this cat. Or the other cats, but I guess they took care of themselves.
[ don't tell alex he's bucky's homely cat. he'll cry. ]
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It's important to protect the ones are left behind. No one should be abandoned like that.
( maybe he's talking about steve. maybe he's talking about everyone he's saved. maybe he's talking about alex. who really knows. )
Every day they gave it plenty of milk—
—and soon it grew nice and plump.
“And it is a very pretty cat, after
all!” said the very old woman.
( there's a pause as bucky's voice grows a bit more wistful, reading each word with more purpose. )
“It is the most beautiful cat in the
whole world,” said the very old man.
“I ought to know, for I’ve seen—
Hundreds of cats,
Thousands of cats,
Millions and billions and trillions of cats—
and not one is as pretty as this one.”
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and he's self-obsessed, he wonders if he is, in fact, talking about him. and just like i'm here, someone saying the things he's always wanted to hear out loud, with such finality, makes him feel something. some part of him unfurling, maybe.)he doesn't even interrupt with one of his one-brain-celled comments (not that he could even think of one) just because he can tell bucky's really getting into it. and there's something a little asmr-tingly about his voice. ]
Aw, that's really sweet. ... Is that it?
[ it seems very "happily ever after"-esque, and if there's more he'd expected bucky to keep going. ]
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After reading that the first time, I always wondered what it might be like, finding the perfect cat that suits you. Like. Out of everything that's out there, with all the stuff that happens and people being shitty and all that. If something managed to survive all that and still make its way to you. It'd mean a lot, right? And you'd want to protect that more than anything.
I mean. I would, anyway. So.
( there's a faint sigh, some lingering distress still leftover from how alex had basically told him to shut up if he wanted alex to get up. and he had because he wanted alex happy, even if he wasn't safe.
alex still ended up in the hospital anyway, and bucky hadn't managed to change anything at all for him either. )
I think, maybe. You're that cat. For me. The one that suits me, and the one I want to protect, but.
( he clicks his tongue faintly, shaking his head to stifle the sting in his eyes. )
I can't do anything, can I? All I can do is read this stupid book, and hope everything works out okay.
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because it was kind of true, wasn't it? he'd went through a lot of awful shitty things, a lot of metaphorical cat murder, and he still ended up with bucky.
part of him reels about being the cat and not also(???) the old man, but he's become at least vaguely self-aware enough to know that it's because he doesn't know how to accept help. that maybe he can be the homely cat getting brushed and having a nice time and not go out feral fighting for his life every day.
what was difficult was having to remind himself that he couldn't just be the homely cat. as soon as he found a way to be comfortable, managed to find some — any — modicum of joy, work came back. work and the yo-yo of pleasure and pain and living the salvador dali painting version of life.
it was easier to ignore it, because if he thought about it, if he gave words to it, he ended up here. with bucky feeling useless because he couldn't make the sun move, and alex feeling like shit for being realistic. (not resigned. realistic.)
that said, he could at least apologize for his earlier behavior. ]
C'mon, don't be like that. You're doing a lot. ... Is it too on the nose if I call you my old man? [ he snorts at the funny little joke he just made before continuing ]
You really — I do feel better now. I think. Mostly better.
[ he's gonna clear his throat before going into this one. ] I dunno if it's clear enough, or if I made it clear enough, but I'm not just kind of scared of hospitals, okay? Like, I get the "nobody wants to go and everyone gets scared but you have to if you wanna feel better" thing. I'm not stupid. But thinking about it turns into this — when you panic and can't think of anything else? And you'll say anything to make the problem stop or go away or... whatever. Just being here makes me think of all the bad shit that's ever happened to me. And I can feel all the death, you know? Not that there's more than a graveyard or some shit, it just hits harder when it's fresher. I dunno, it's hard to describe. And I don't know how to not feel that, so I'm sorry I acted like a psycho and couldn't control it. I can usually control everything. Maybe the concussion fucked me up.
[ which — ]
Oh, uh, just so you know. I had a concussion and a ruptured disc. They can't really do anything besides a nerve block for the pain then send me on my merry fuckin' way for it to heal on its own. That part doesn't even bother me, you know? Just the whole... being here waiting. You helped me not think about it. Don't feel like any of the shit like that you do isn't a big deal, okay? I wouldn't've even talked to anybody else.
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( well, that isn't true, is it? he had thought. before the war. before the draft. even a little after the draft. but once the 107th was assigned for deployment to italy, the place where everyone was being sent to die, he decided to live as much as he could until death found him.
but then it never came, and everything else that happened after still didn't really promise much of any comfort.
and now this. this strangely painful thing that he holds close to his chest like it should be natural, since it had been before, and he isn't even sure if he's doing the right thing, trying to find happiness at all. does he really change anything? would alex really be any better just from his reading a children's book?
while he tries to remain doubtful for his own sake, bucky still can't help the way tears well in his eyes despite his attempt to hold them back. alex wouldn't have talked to anybody else. he wants to believe that so desperately even when every fiber of his being says otherwise. he's been left behind enough times to know better, but he still wants to mean something. )
I know about the hospitals. I. I get it, really, and I'm not trying to undermine you when I...say or suggest stuff. Things are just... They sent so many of us to die in that war, you know. Not to actually...win anything but to just hold down a front until they came up with a better solution. And I had a lot of time to think about what that meant even after I showed up on site.
How I handle things is...probably not realistic. I know what HYDRA did only made it worse, but I can't help how I think, either. The part of me that will do anything to survive is the only reason I even became the Winter Soldier. Because I let them break me instead of kill me. And. I still will fight tooth and nail to live because I don't want anyone else deciding for me that I didn't deserve to.
Maybe that doesn't translate well, though. I know it's not something you can just choose to ignore. And what I've been through is probably more extreme than you'll ever need to deal with. That I hope you'll ever need to deal with either.
I'm sorry. If it's not helpful. ( there's a faint snuffle. ) I'm not sure what else I can even do, though. I'm a weapon, not a...a...
( he doesn't know what to fill the end with. doesn't want to know. it hurts enough, admitting. )
If reading something helps, then I'll try that again next time.
( but it still feels like nothing. he's miles away, and alex is stuck in a hospital and in pain, and all he can do is read something to him? hydra wouldn't have let that fly. he needs to be better than that. he's supposed to be better than that. )
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when the one you love is struggling and you're weighed down with the guilt of not being what they're looking for. ]
I get it. Part of it. I think. I'm a weapon, too. That's... why I saw myself in you. And that you're a good person, and I thought that could be me, too. Don't you get it? I know it's not the same, but it was close enough to me. It mattered to me.
[ no, he's not going to let his own voice get watery now. not when he's barely even said anything. ]
But, I just wanna… let me say something, okay? I just wanna say something.
You make it sound like I don't wanna survive. Like I'm just going out of my way to not, or being difficult, or… I don't know. I know I'm fucked up and kinda play fast and loose with my well-being, but I get up every day when I could just not. I'm not fighting a war, the war is my fucking self. I'm fighting myself, and I wanna get out of it myself. I have the power to do that, I just need to work on using it that way. Fixing things instead of breaking them. Then maybe I could fix me. And — you know, I remember what dying felt like. It wasn't good or bad, but it didn't hurt. It was the last time I didn't hurt. It'd be so easy to… [ he trails off for a moment, not sure where he's even going. it sounds suicidal? but it's not. it's the lack of trying to live. of waiting for it to be over, of being his mother. ] But I don't. Sometimes I don't even know why, but I don't.
And — hold on, let me keep going. I'm not done. I'm trying to say something, but I wanna say it right.
[ he breathes. swallows spit. (tries to ignore the pain current pulsating through his spine.) he knows – or decided, rather – that bucky isn't going to like what he has to say, but it's better to rip the bandaid off now. ]
I think something keeps happening. [ nice. strong start, alexander. 10/10. ] What I mean is, I let you in, you help me, and then you get upset that you couldn't do more. And what that does is, it ends up making me feel bad that I can't open up fast enough to give you that. Like, that's not who I am as a person. This is why I never – this is why I don't let people in. I'm a difficult piece of shit, I'm a spiteful asshole. And I'm trying to be better, but I dunno if I'll ever be better enough for you. I don't need you to do everything for me, okay? That's not what I want. Literally all I want is for someone to be there and not freak out or leave me when I can't control anything, or if I'm being too much. I told you, when I was a kid. I got punished for my feelings being too big. So I tried to make them less, and now I barely know how to be a fucking person. You're allowed to get mad at me and call me out when I'm being a shithead, just don't leave. That's all I want.
And… listen to me when I say that, okay? Listen to me when I tell you what I need. If I don't know, I don't know. I'm sorry I don't always have... marching orders for you. But if I say I just need you to be there, don't act like it's a hidden message and I actually wanted you to bring down the sun for me, too. Being there is enough. That's why I blow a whole ass gasket when I think I fucked up enough for you to be done with my bullshit. I really thought you were gonna be done with me after the hospital thing.
[ he sighs, breath shaky. just when you thought he was done, he comes back for the encore. ]
I know you want me to be the little cat you can protect from everything. And, you know what? Fuckin' dope. I like being the little cat sometimes. I don't let my guard down around anyone else long enough for that. But I'm not the little cat, I'm a person, you know? I'm a fucked up person, I'm gonna do stupid, awful shit, and you can't always save me from everything, no matter how much you want to. I know you want to, and I know you'd fuckin' break your back trying, but that's not what I want you to do. It's not what I'm asking you to do. If… if you're gonna be upset that you can't be whatever you think you gotta be for me, I don't know what to do with that, you know? I don't know how to make you happy if I can't be the thing you want me to be. If I say I'm happy that you read me a book, and you're upset that you can't do more, I can't… I can't pull more out of thin air for you. Can you love me without needing more than that? 'Cause I don't know how to give you more than that.
[ you know what, ending on that note felt like shit. a very "take me or leave me" note for which he isn't sure bucky's going to handle well (because alex expressing his own needs is very hard and he rarely expects anyone to handle them well.) ]
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it's messy, which is very alex and endearing in its own way, but it's also alex taking bucky's own problems and making them around him, when bucky was only trying to explain the world that he sees isn't quite the same. )
I'm not trying to say you don't wanna survive. I'm just trying to explain how I break that sort of situation down isn't the same way as how you do it cause of my experiences not being the same. That's not like a...a callout, either. I also remember what dying was like. And I get that, too, okay? I was just trying to say I'm fundamentally a different person, and that means we're not going to see eye to eye on everything.
I'm not saying you have to be anyone else or open up more or, or whatever you're trying to say with all that other stuff either. I don't think you're asking more from me than I can give or. Or that I'm expecting you to have all the answers or something. I'm not...clear on why that's the impression, and I'm sorry if that's what that seems like, but I have my own shit too, okay? And a lot of that has nothing to do with you. At all.
I'm the person I am for a lot of reasons, and the person I am is someone who always wants to help, that, yes, would break my back trying to help and do shit and protect people or whatever. That's who I am. I already love you and don't need more than what you give me. But. Like.
Is it impossible...for you to be with someone who. Wants to bend over backward for you? Because I can't change what I fundamentally am, Alexander. I. I was already like this, and everything HYDRA put in just amplified the standard I hold myself to. But that's, again, me and how things work in my head, and not you and what you want or need or. Anything else like that.
I don't know why you think little cats are angels either, cause they really aren't. They scratch shit up and break things when they don't know better or when they just feel like they need to get something out. They get messy and need to be cleaned and reminded that they're cared for because they don't always know how to care for themselves. Yeah, maybe the cat breaks a vase and steps in some glass. You can't save cats from everything either. But that doesn't mean you as a person would just want less for them because they're being stupid, right? I doubt you'd even think that. Hell, when I was reading, you said you'd do anything for that cat. You can want that no matter what shit he does because he's still that homely little thing everyone forgot about that deserves to be loved, even if he tries to run away sometimes because he needs space. So can I.
...does that make sense?
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have you ever wanted to be like someone so much, you forget what actually comprises 'someone' in the first place?? bucky is better. like, he knows, without a doubt, bucky is a better person than him. if he could just... crouch down a couple inches... to see eye to eye with him...
"whatever you're trying to say" ruffles him a little bit, but really — what was he trying to say? any time? at all? ever? also, once again: alex is self-obsessed. with alex. what do you mean bucky's life doesn't revolve around him? sounds fake.
maybe the crux of the problem is what bucky finally rolls around to — is it impossible to be with someone who wants to bend over backwards for him? is the issue that he doesn't think he wants it, or he doesn't think he deserves it? bucky's really trying to make him go head to head with an argument that amounts to "sorry i'm a good person." what does alex have for that? nothing. zero. zilch.
and then: not sure if he loves... being compared to a kitten that breaks things and messes things up? and is stupid? but it made sense. it felt more true than the real end of the story. the clean, simplified version. and it's true that he would love the cat even if it did all the messy shitty cat things, even if the picture of the cat only exists in his imagination. it's an across the board animals thing. animals are better than people, they've never done anything wrong their entire lives, etc. imagine applying that kind of warmth and kindness to himself??? ]
The only cat I've ever had is Winky, and it's not even a cat. It's an aberration that stares at you for hours and eats dead birds. But, uh, yeah. I think that makes sense. All of it.
I guess maybe my problem is that I don't know how to be loved by someone who wants to bend over backwards for me. You know? I wanna deserve it. And I don't think I deserve it sometimes. Or at lot of the time. Because I'm the cat that knocks stuff over and breaks everything but... like, I wasn't lying about wanting to do anything for the cat. [ you can't hit him with at "everybody forgot about and deserves to be loved" shit. he would echo it but it might make him cry. again. ] I just wish I was... uh... a better cat. For you. Because you care so much about every thing, and I'm just me.
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It's not...about if you think you deserve it though, is it? I definitely don't think I deserve the way you look at me. But you feel what you feel anyway, right? And even if I said I felt like I didn't deserve it, you'd probably tell me to shut up and that I deserve nice things.
That's how I feel, for you. I don't want whatever you're calling a better cat. I want you. Because you're you. Not because you're anyone or anything else.
I knew what I signed up for.
( just casually like bringing it back to the old couple there. )
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Anyway, yeah. Yeah, exactly that. Like the furniture thing. You do deserve nice things, dude. James.
[ has bucky already said that he wants alex the way he is? multiple times, countless times? yes. and yet, it has taken this long to sink into his big dumb head that bucky might actually mean it. why would he lie? no discernible reason, but it's just that hard to imagine someone saying it and meaning it as fully as bucky does. that someone could mean it without an "except for..." tagged on at the end.
it takes him a moment to formulate a reply, mostly because he's busy getting all choked up. ]
I just... fuck, you're gonna make me cry, you fuckin'... [ who knows what that hollow insult was gonna be as he sniffs. ] Thanks. I love you, you know? Like, a lot.
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And I. I know I should. Deserve nice things. That's just not how it feels, even when I tell myself it's true. You know?
( snuffling faintly, bucky scrubs at his eyes, rattling the phone a little on the process. )
Yeah. I. Have been, but. Sorry. ( a watery laugh. ) I just. Feel a lot. And especially a lot about you.
( he takes a slow breath to try and calm his nerves, sighing with relief. )
I love you, too, Alexander. So much more than I could ever express.
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But yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Like, that's what all this is, right? We both don't know how to accept things we deserve. Which is fucking stupid, because we both deserve shit like... I dunno, nice things, love. Basic human shit. But we can both work on it together, y'know? Letting ourselves accept things, I mean.
It's okay. [ he chuckles while trying to be as still as possible — gotta avoid that pain. ] I get it. Feeling a lot. And, uh, feeling a lot about you in particular.
[ instead of repeating "i love you" into infinity — because he could — he broaches the related topic of ] Who's visiting who next? Is it you visiting me?
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I think it's gotta be me, right? You're back is messed up, and I can bring a get well soon gift.
( ...this makes it sound like bucky is driving up tomorrow. but also would that be so bad? making time for alex feels important. )
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Oh yeah? What kind of get well soon gift are we talking about?
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( he chuckles. )
I dunno, do you want me to ruin the surprise?
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