[ alex almost points it out, almost says "don't cry, it's okay," but he knows he himself would rather die before being called out on his own crying, so. he has to sit back and be the mature one. think with his thinking brain. that's what you do when the one you love is struggling, right? maybe.
when the one you love is struggling and you're weighed down with the guilt of not being what they're looking for. ]
I get it. Part of it. I think. I'm a weapon, too. That's... why I saw myself in you. And that you're a good person, and I thought that could be me, too. Don't you get it? I know it's not the same, but it was close enough to me. It mattered to me.
[ no, he's not going to let his own voice get watery now. not when he's barely even said anything. ]
But, I just wanna… let me say something, okay? I just wanna say something.
You make it sound like I don't wanna survive. Like I'm just going out of my way to not, or being difficult, or… I don't know. I know I'm fucked up and kinda play fast and loose with my well-being, but I get up every day when I could just not. I'm not fighting a war, the war is my fucking self. I'm fighting myself, and I wanna get out of it myself. I have the power to do that, I just need to work on using it that way. Fixing things instead of breaking them. Then maybe I could fix me. And — you know, I remember what dying felt like. It wasn't good or bad, but it didn't hurt. It was the last time I didn't hurt. It'd be so easy to… [ he trails off for a moment, not sure where he's even going. it sounds suicidal? but it's not. it's the lack of trying to live. of waiting for it to be over, of being his mother. ] But I don't. Sometimes I don't even know why, but I don't.
And — hold on, let me keep going. I'm not done. I'm trying to say something, but I wanna say it right.
[ he breathes. swallows spit. (tries to ignore the pain current pulsating through his spine.) he knows – or decided, rather – that bucky isn't going to like what he has to say, but it's better to rip the bandaid off now. ]
I think something keeps happening. [ nice. strong start, alexander. 10/10. ] What I mean is, I let you in, you help me, and then you get upset that you couldn't do more. And what that does is, it ends up making me feel bad that I can't open up fast enough to give you that. Like, that's not who I am as a person. This is why I never – this is why I don't let people in. I'm a difficult piece of shit, I'm a spiteful asshole. And I'm trying to be better, but I dunno if I'll ever be better enough for you. I don't need you to do everything for me, okay? That's not what I want. Literally all I want is for someone to be there and not freak out or leave me when I can't control anything, or if I'm being too much. I told you, when I was a kid. I got punished for my feelings being too big. So I tried to make them less, and now I barely know how to be a fucking person. You're allowed to get mad at me and call me out when I'm being a shithead, just don't leave. That's all I want.
And… listen to me when I say that, okay? Listen to me when I tell you what I need. If I don't know, I don't know. I'm sorry I don't always have... marching orders for you. But if I say I just need you to be there, don't act like it's a hidden message and I actually wanted you to bring down the sun for me, too. Being there is enough. That's why I blow a whole ass gasket when I think I fucked up enough for you to be done with my bullshit. I really thought you were gonna be done with me after the hospital thing.
[ he sighs, breath shaky. just when you thought he was done, he comes back for the encore. ]
I know you want me to be the little cat you can protect from everything. And, you know what? Fuckin' dope. I like being the little cat sometimes. I don't let my guard down around anyone else long enough for that. But I'm not the little cat, I'm a person, you know? I'm a fucked up person, I'm gonna do stupid, awful shit, and you can't always save me from everything, no matter how much you want to. I know you want to, and I know you'd fuckin' break your back trying, but that's not what I want you to do. It's not what I'm asking you to do. If… if you're gonna be upset that you can't be whatever you think you gotta be for me, I don't know what to do with that, you know? I don't know how to make you happy if I can't be the thing you want me to be. If I say I'm happy that you read me a book, and you're upset that you can't do more, I can't… I can't pull more out of thin air for you. Can you love me without needing more than that? 'Cause I don't know how to give you more than that.
[ you know what, ending on that note felt like shit. a very "take me or leave me" note for which he isn't sure bucky's going to handle well (because alex expressing his own needs is very hard and he rarely expects anyone to handle them well.) ]
( by the time alex finishes, bucky isn't even sure how to answer. that was so much all at once. it's hard enough dissecting while hearing, but then to be expected to answer back? especially with so many misunderstanding littered throughout it.
it's messy, which is very alex and endearing in its own way, but it's also alex taking bucky's own problems and making them around him, when bucky was only trying to explain the world that he sees isn't quite the same. )
I'm not trying to say you don't wanna survive. I'm just trying to explain how I break that sort of situation down isn't the same way as how you do it cause of my experiences not being the same. That's not like a...a callout, either. I also remember what dying was like. And I get that, too, okay? I was just trying to say I'm fundamentally a different person, and that means we're not going to see eye to eye on everything.
I'm not saying you have to be anyone else or open up more or, or whatever you're trying to say with all that other stuff either. I don't think you're asking more from me than I can give or. Or that I'm expecting you to have all the answers or something. I'm not...clear on why that's the impression, and I'm sorry if that's what that seems like, but I have my own shit too, okay? And a lot of that has nothing to do with you. At all.
I'm the person I am for a lot of reasons, and the person I am is someone who always wants to help, that, yes, would break my back trying to help and do shit and protect people or whatever. That's who I am. I already love you and don't need more than what you give me. But. Like.
Is it impossible...for you to be with someone who. Wants to bend over backward for you? Because I can't change what I fundamentally am, Alexander. I. I was already like this, and everything HYDRA put in just amplified the standard I hold myself to. But that's, again, me and how things work in my head, and not you and what you want or need or. Anything else like that.
I don't know why you think little cats are angels either, cause they really aren't. They scratch shit up and break things when they don't know better or when they just feel like they need to get something out. They get messy and need to be cleaned and reminded that they're cared for because they don't always know how to care for themselves. Yeah, maybe the cat breaks a vase and steps in some glass. You can't save cats from everything either. But that doesn't mean you as a person would just want less for them because they're being stupid, right? I doubt you'd even think that. Hell, when I was reading, you said you'd do anything for that cat. You can want that no matter what shit he does because he's still that homely little thing everyone forgot about that deserves to be loved, even if he tries to run away sometimes because he needs space. So can I.
[ it's okay, alex tired himself out with all his bullshit. so tired he could dead ass take a nap in the white death box.
have you ever wanted to be like someone so much, you forget what actually comprises 'someone' in the first place?? bucky is better. like, he knows, without a doubt, bucky is a better person than him. if he could just... crouch down a couple inches... to see eye to eye with him...
"whatever you're trying to say" ruffles him a little bit, but really — what was he trying to say? any time? at all? ever? also, once again: alex is self-obsessed. with alex. what do you mean bucky's life doesn't revolve around him? sounds fake.
maybe the crux of the problem is what bucky finally rolls around to — is it impossible to be with someone who wants to bend over backwards for him? is the issue that he doesn't think he wants it, or he doesn't think he deserves it? bucky's really trying to make him go head to head with an argument that amounts to "sorry i'm a good person." what does alex have for that? nothing. zero. zilch.
and then: not sure if he loves... being compared to a kitten that breaks things and messes things up? and is stupid? but it made sense. it felt more true than the real end of the story. the clean, simplified version. and it's true that he would love the cat even if it did all the messy shitty cat things, even if the picture of the cat only exists in his imagination. it's an across the board animals thing. animals are better than people, they've never done anything wrong their entire lives, etc. imagine applying that kind of warmth and kindness to himself??? ]
The only cat I've ever had is Winky, and it's not even a cat. It's an aberration that stares at you for hours and eats dead birds. But, uh, yeah. I think that makes sense. All of it.
I guess maybe my problem is that I don't know how to be loved by someone who wants to bend over backwards for me. You know? I wanna deserve it. And I don't think I deserve it sometimes. Or at lot of the time. Because I'm the cat that knocks stuff over and breaks everything but... like, I wasn't lying about wanting to do anything for the cat. [ you can't hit him with at "everybody forgot about and deserves to be loved" shit. he would echo it but it might make him cry. again. ] I just wish I was... uh... a better cat. For you. Because you care so much about every thing, and I'm just me.
Edited (one day i'll learn to write (but not today)) 2024-07-16 00:43 (UTC)
You've technically had more cats than me, since my only credit was feeding the alley toms our scraps, back before. Winky's not so bad either, aberration or not. He could shit everywhere instead. Most feral cats don't know how to use a corner or box without being taught.
It's not...about if you think you deserve it though, is it? I definitely don't think I deserve the way you look at me. But you feel what you feel anyway, right? And even if I said I felt like I didn't deserve it, you'd probably tell me to shut up and that I deserve nice things.
That's how I feel, for you. I don't want whatever you're calling a better cat. I want you. Because you're you. Not because you're anyone or anything else.
I knew what I signed up for.
( just casually like bringing it back to the old couple there. )
You know... I don't think Winky shits. [ because he surely does not keep a litter box around for winky; that would make him A PET. and yet, he has never found accidents??? he just didn't think about it until now. it's not surprising, just weird. just winky things. ]
Anyway, yeah. Yeah, exactly that. Like the furniture thing. You do deserve nice things, dude. James.
[ has bucky already said that he wants alex the way he is? multiple times, countless times? yes. and yet, it has taken this long to sink into his big dumb head that bucky might actually mean it. why would he lie? no discernible reason, but it's just that hard to imagine someone saying it and meaning it as fully as bucky does. that someone could mean it without an "except for..." tagged on at the end.
it takes him a moment to formulate a reply, mostly because he's busy getting all choked up. ]
I just... fuck, you're gonna make me cry, you fuckin'... [ who knows what that hollow insult was gonna be as he sniffs. ] Thanks. I love you, you know? Like, a lot.
Were you looking for — no, I don't wanna know. [ the less time he spends thinking about winky's asshole (or lack thereof), the better. see, this is why that cat-looking monster is the worst. ]
But yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Like, that's what all this is, right? We both don't know how to accept things we deserve. Which is fucking stupid, because we both deserve shit like... I dunno, nice things, love. Basic human shit. But we can both work on it together, y'know? Letting ourselves accept things, I mean.
It's okay. [ he chuckles while trying to be as still as possible — gotta avoid that pain. ] I get it. Feeling a lot. And, uh, feeling a lot about you in particular.
[ instead of repeating "i love you" into infinity — because he could — he broaches the related topic of ] Who's visiting who next? Is it you visiting me?
[ instead of what he might usually do (make a big show of "well i can do it anyway my back isn't that bad i'll do whatever i want!!!") he lets himself accept a nice gesture. character development??? it's more likely than you think. ]
Oh yeah? What kind of get well soon gift are we talking about?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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when the one you love is struggling and you're weighed down with the guilt of not being what they're looking for. ]
I get it. Part of it. I think. I'm a weapon, too. That's... why I saw myself in you. And that you're a good person, and I thought that could be me, too. Don't you get it? I know it's not the same, but it was close enough to me. It mattered to me.
[ no, he's not going to let his own voice get watery now. not when he's barely even said anything. ]
But, I just wanna… let me say something, okay? I just wanna say something.
You make it sound like I don't wanna survive. Like I'm just going out of my way to not, or being difficult, or… I don't know. I know I'm fucked up and kinda play fast and loose with my well-being, but I get up every day when I could just not. I'm not fighting a war, the war is my fucking self. I'm fighting myself, and I wanna get out of it myself. I have the power to do that, I just need to work on using it that way. Fixing things instead of breaking them. Then maybe I could fix me. And — you know, I remember what dying felt like. It wasn't good or bad, but it didn't hurt. It was the last time I didn't hurt. It'd be so easy to… [ he trails off for a moment, not sure where he's even going. it sounds suicidal? but it's not. it's the lack of trying to live. of waiting for it to be over, of being his mother. ] But I don't. Sometimes I don't even know why, but I don't.
And — hold on, let me keep going. I'm not done. I'm trying to say something, but I wanna say it right.
[ he breathes. swallows spit. (tries to ignore the pain current pulsating through his spine.) he knows – or decided, rather – that bucky isn't going to like what he has to say, but it's better to rip the bandaid off now. ]
I think something keeps happening. [ nice. strong start, alexander. 10/10. ] What I mean is, I let you in, you help me, and then you get upset that you couldn't do more. And what that does is, it ends up making me feel bad that I can't open up fast enough to give you that. Like, that's not who I am as a person. This is why I never – this is why I don't let people in. I'm a difficult piece of shit, I'm a spiteful asshole. And I'm trying to be better, but I dunno if I'll ever be better enough for you. I don't need you to do everything for me, okay? That's not what I want. Literally all I want is for someone to be there and not freak out or leave me when I can't control anything, or if I'm being too much. I told you, when I was a kid. I got punished for my feelings being too big. So I tried to make them less, and now I barely know how to be a fucking person. You're allowed to get mad at me and call me out when I'm being a shithead, just don't leave. That's all I want.
And… listen to me when I say that, okay? Listen to me when I tell you what I need. If I don't know, I don't know. I'm sorry I don't always have... marching orders for you. But if I say I just need you to be there, don't act like it's a hidden message and I actually wanted you to bring down the sun for me, too. Being there is enough. That's why I blow a whole ass gasket when I think I fucked up enough for you to be done with my bullshit. I really thought you were gonna be done with me after the hospital thing.
[ he sighs, breath shaky. just when you thought he was done, he comes back for the encore. ]
I know you want me to be the little cat you can protect from everything. And, you know what? Fuckin' dope. I like being the little cat sometimes. I don't let my guard down around anyone else long enough for that. But I'm not the little cat, I'm a person, you know? I'm a fucked up person, I'm gonna do stupid, awful shit, and you can't always save me from everything, no matter how much you want to. I know you want to, and I know you'd fuckin' break your back trying, but that's not what I want you to do. It's not what I'm asking you to do. If… if you're gonna be upset that you can't be whatever you think you gotta be for me, I don't know what to do with that, you know? I don't know how to make you happy if I can't be the thing you want me to be. If I say I'm happy that you read me a book, and you're upset that you can't do more, I can't… I can't pull more out of thin air for you. Can you love me without needing more than that? 'Cause I don't know how to give you more than that.
[ you know what, ending on that note felt like shit. a very "take me or leave me" note for which he isn't sure bucky's going to handle well (because alex expressing his own needs is very hard and he rarely expects anyone to handle them well.) ]
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it's messy, which is very alex and endearing in its own way, but it's also alex taking bucky's own problems and making them around him, when bucky was only trying to explain the world that he sees isn't quite the same. )
I'm not trying to say you don't wanna survive. I'm just trying to explain how I break that sort of situation down isn't the same way as how you do it cause of my experiences not being the same. That's not like a...a callout, either. I also remember what dying was like. And I get that, too, okay? I was just trying to say I'm fundamentally a different person, and that means we're not going to see eye to eye on everything.
I'm not saying you have to be anyone else or open up more or, or whatever you're trying to say with all that other stuff either. I don't think you're asking more from me than I can give or. Or that I'm expecting you to have all the answers or something. I'm not...clear on why that's the impression, and I'm sorry if that's what that seems like, but I have my own shit too, okay? And a lot of that has nothing to do with you. At all.
I'm the person I am for a lot of reasons, and the person I am is someone who always wants to help, that, yes, would break my back trying to help and do shit and protect people or whatever. That's who I am. I already love you and don't need more than what you give me. But. Like.
Is it impossible...for you to be with someone who. Wants to bend over backward for you? Because I can't change what I fundamentally am, Alexander. I. I was already like this, and everything HYDRA put in just amplified the standard I hold myself to. But that's, again, me and how things work in my head, and not you and what you want or need or. Anything else like that.
I don't know why you think little cats are angels either, cause they really aren't. They scratch shit up and break things when they don't know better or when they just feel like they need to get something out. They get messy and need to be cleaned and reminded that they're cared for because they don't always know how to care for themselves. Yeah, maybe the cat breaks a vase and steps in some glass. You can't save cats from everything either. But that doesn't mean you as a person would just want less for them because they're being stupid, right? I doubt you'd even think that. Hell, when I was reading, you said you'd do anything for that cat. You can want that no matter what shit he does because he's still that homely little thing everyone forgot about that deserves to be loved, even if he tries to run away sometimes because he needs space. So can I.
...does that make sense?
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have you ever wanted to be like someone so much, you forget what actually comprises 'someone' in the first place?? bucky is better. like, he knows, without a doubt, bucky is a better person than him. if he could just... crouch down a couple inches... to see eye to eye with him...
"whatever you're trying to say" ruffles him a little bit, but really — what was he trying to say? any time? at all? ever? also, once again: alex is self-obsessed. with alex. what do you mean bucky's life doesn't revolve around him? sounds fake.
maybe the crux of the problem is what bucky finally rolls around to — is it impossible to be with someone who wants to bend over backwards for him? is the issue that he doesn't think he wants it, or he doesn't think he deserves it? bucky's really trying to make him go head to head with an argument that amounts to "sorry i'm a good person." what does alex have for that? nothing. zero. zilch.
and then: not sure if he loves... being compared to a kitten that breaks things and messes things up? and is stupid? but it made sense. it felt more true than the real end of the story. the clean, simplified version. and it's true that he would love the cat even if it did all the messy shitty cat things, even if the picture of the cat only exists in his imagination. it's an across the board animals thing. animals are better than people, they've never done anything wrong their entire lives, etc. imagine applying that kind of warmth and kindness to himself??? ]
The only cat I've ever had is Winky, and it's not even a cat. It's an aberration that stares at you for hours and eats dead birds. But, uh, yeah. I think that makes sense. All of it.
I guess maybe my problem is that I don't know how to be loved by someone who wants to bend over backwards for me. You know? I wanna deserve it. And I don't think I deserve it sometimes. Or at lot of the time. Because I'm the cat that knocks stuff over and breaks everything but... like, I wasn't lying about wanting to do anything for the cat. [ you can't hit him with at "everybody forgot about and deserves to be loved" shit. he would echo it but it might make him cry. again. ] I just wish I was... uh... a better cat. For you. Because you care so much about every thing, and I'm just me.
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It's not...about if you think you deserve it though, is it? I definitely don't think I deserve the way you look at me. But you feel what you feel anyway, right? And even if I said I felt like I didn't deserve it, you'd probably tell me to shut up and that I deserve nice things.
That's how I feel, for you. I don't want whatever you're calling a better cat. I want you. Because you're you. Not because you're anyone or anything else.
I knew what I signed up for.
( just casually like bringing it back to the old couple there. )
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Anyway, yeah. Yeah, exactly that. Like the furniture thing. You do deserve nice things, dude. James.
[ has bucky already said that he wants alex the way he is? multiple times, countless times? yes. and yet, it has taken this long to sink into his big dumb head that bucky might actually mean it. why would he lie? no discernible reason, but it's just that hard to imagine someone saying it and meaning it as fully as bucky does. that someone could mean it without an "except for..." tagged on at the end.
it takes him a moment to formulate a reply, mostly because he's busy getting all choked up. ]
I just... fuck, you're gonna make me cry, you fuckin'... [ who knows what that hollow insult was gonna be as he sniffs. ] Thanks. I love you, you know? Like, a lot.
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And I. I know I should. Deserve nice things. That's just not how it feels, even when I tell myself it's true. You know?
( snuffling faintly, bucky scrubs at his eyes, rattling the phone a little on the process. )
Yeah. I. Have been, but. Sorry. ( a watery laugh. ) I just. Feel a lot. And especially a lot about you.
( he takes a slow breath to try and calm his nerves, sighing with relief. )
I love you, too, Alexander. So much more than I could ever express.
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But yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Like, that's what all this is, right? We both don't know how to accept things we deserve. Which is fucking stupid, because we both deserve shit like... I dunno, nice things, love. Basic human shit. But we can both work on it together, y'know? Letting ourselves accept things, I mean.
It's okay. [ he chuckles while trying to be as still as possible — gotta avoid that pain. ] I get it. Feeling a lot. And, uh, feeling a lot about you in particular.
[ instead of repeating "i love you" into infinity — because he could — he broaches the related topic of ] Who's visiting who next? Is it you visiting me?
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I think it's gotta be me, right? You're back is messed up, and I can bring a get well soon gift.
( ...this makes it sound like bucky is driving up tomorrow. but also would that be so bad? making time for alex feels important. )
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Oh yeah? What kind of get well soon gift are we talking about?
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( he chuckles. )
I dunno, do you want me to ruin the surprise?
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( playfully. )
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[ in a light tone that suggests he is just joking about Suffering; literally it's fine. ]
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( he's probably still joking. )
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