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[smokes]

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[counterstep]

maybe

I wouldn't mind helping facilitate, if you'd really want to, but obviously I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do if your throat starts closing up other than rush you to the hospital

I don't think that's lame though
I'm sure it was really terrifying and confusing for you
it always sucks if you're hurt by something you feel things for too

[smokes]

are you saying maybe to be funny or are you indecisive about being indecisive
🖤

yeah no exposure therapy shit for me
i've got enough going on without fucking around with all that

but thanks
lmao before anyone explained what the fuck happened i thought the dog cursed me
and this was before i knew anything about paranormal shit, i just had an imagination

is there anything you believed as a kid that you look back on and laugh because it's so fuckin bonkers

[counterstep]

I said maybe because I don't really agree with it being called indecisive and didn't want to argue about it

in some ways that would be true, wouldn't it? that you were cursed by the dog
at least that's why it's not so difficult to imagine that people believed in those things through all of history and still today, even if they're more the fake sort of paranatural and not the real deal

Santa probably
he's nowhere near as manufactured as he is today and it's not like I believed in the idea for long but I knew we always locked the door to the apartment at night for a reason and it wouldn't make sense to leave it unlocked for just one guy
I do think he's probably real in another sense now though
like as a cryptid or something

[smokes]

what do you call it? i'm not trying to argue or be an asshole i'm curious
and sorry if i pissed you off tbc

but yeah, he's probably some kind of real
or i wouldn't be surprised
belief is what gives power to things y'know
not in like a cutesy quote way but actually

funny story
i'm not jewish-jewish but we did some of the holidays when baba was alive
so we didn't do shit like christmas
i don't even remember this but i guess i asked why santa hated us
it made my mom cry, and then we had christmas every year lmao

[counterstep]

idk some things just don't need to be decided. like what would you call needing to choose between a chocolate chip cookie and a cake right now with no actual consequence or result? it's a hypothetical but even if you choose one, both, or none, the result is really the same, isn't it? I'm just not sure why I have to pick specifics when the general statement sufficed and I love several kinds of each too
why can't I like or want more than one thing either?
I'm not mad
just frustrated

yeah, that's what I think too
sometimes believing has it's own power
and knowing what that means is important

damn
well that's one way to get Christmas to happen haha

[smokes]

i mean, yeah, you're right, the result is net zero, but i think it kind of says something about you?
not that question in particular, all your choices
i'm not a sociologist, i'm trying to think about this in realtime so if it sounds stupid that's why
if we both chose cookie, cool, we have something in common
if i choose cake and you choose cookie and you're like "i fuckin hate cake," then i'm like "damn maybe i better do something different for my birthday"
if you choose a favorite animal maybe i know what to get your for YOUR birthday
i'm just trying to learn about you and i guess not being able to pick made more sense to me than not caring

yeah well, we'll never know if i really believed santa hated us or if i was scheming my way to presents, but i feel like it could've gone either way 🤷🏻

[counterstep]

that assumption means I hate the other thing if I don't pick it when maybe I'm just not in the mood for it right then though
cause I happen to like both and now you've reduced my preferences to some static question where nuance doesn't exist
it's the same with the animals
and I happen to like a lot of things and now you're basically saying I'm not allowed to like thinks unless I can pick just one

( he's a bit too worked up now to go back to santa. )

[smokes]

what? that's not what i'm saying
and i like cheesecake, it wasn't a parameter
all that i'm trying to say is that i want to get to know you
and i thought it was... i dunno, endearing, that you liked so many things you didn't want to choose
i didn't mean to make it weird
now i know to not ask you preferences, sorry

[counterstep]

that's not how you make it less weird
but fine
whatever you think is best

[smokes]

i don't know what's best!
i don't know or think anything

[ ^ title of his biography ]

i was trying to figure out how i fucked up
i went the wrong direction, i'm sorry

[counterstep]

can't things just
exist as they are and not have to be something?

that's all I don't understand

[smokes]

yeah
you're right, they don't have to be anything

i guess i try too hard to understand things sometimes
like, wanting an answer i can label and put somewhere in my brain
i know a lot of stuff doesn't work like that, but i was trying to anyway
that was stupid
i'm sorry

[counterstep]

sorry for being confusing and strange
I'll try not to be so messy

[smokes]

dude
bucky
buckington
james

i'm so messy i could be a toxic waste dump
i still like you
that's what i was trying to say the whole time, i just called you the wrong thing

[counterstep]

come on, you're not
I'm not trying to haze you or something just cause I don't understand

we're still learning
that's all

[smokes]

it's okay
right, we're still learning

are we good? i just wanna make sure we're good

[ ✨ because i have abandonment issues ✨ ]

[counterstep]

what exactly do you think will happen if we aren't?

[smokes]

if we're not, i wanna keep trying to make it good. that's what happens. is there something wrong with that?

[counterstep]

there's nothing wrong with wanting to make things right, but I don't want you thinking I'm going to leave you or something and it definitely feels like you assume that sometimes

[smokes]

oh

[ in a true show of no thoughts head empty, it's only now when bucky points this out that he sits back like "yes. yes... this is why i am so unhinged around you all the time." ]

it's not you or anything you're doing
i just don't want to fuck everything up

[counterstep]

that won't happen so easily

I love you, Alexander

if your aren't able to have faith in yourself, at least try to have a little more faith in me

[smokes]

[ oh no. oh no. he pulled out the l word (lesbians) AND alexander all in one sentence. is alex going to faint? it feels like he might faint a little bit. no, he needs to hold on to being conscious. and shed some tears maybe. then never tell anyone he shed tears or is in fact capable of any emotions. (except for bucky, clearly.) he literally just sits there staring at the phone screen for a moment while listening to the blood rushing into his ears. ]

i love you too
james

it's so stupid, but
every time you say shit like "i'm here" it makes me want to cry kind of?
i'm not used to it
so i gotta stop getting in my head waiting for it to be different

[counterstep]

it's not your fault if you feel differently because of what you've been through

but you're worth more than your you've been led to believe
especially to me
I promise that with all my heart

[smokes]

[ he may be ugly snot crying right now, but don't worry — if it ever comes up in person he will probably ugly snot cry all over again. ]

thanks
i dunno what else to say that wouldn't sound like
i don't know
but thanks
it means a lot

[counterstep]

( at least then, bucky's shirt will be there for him to smear all the snot on. )

just saying it how it is

and no worries okay?
I just wanna do my part in all this