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[smokes]

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[smokes]

yeah, in bushwick
and probably? i fuckin hope so
she acts kind of pissed off all the time so you never know what she's really thinking

[ i.e., it runs in the family 🙈 ]

oh man LMAO
that's so fuckin cute dude

[counterstep]

I mean
I manage to guess what you're thinking
but also I think she probably isn't an occult nerd that uses sex and drugs to escape how shitty her powers make her feel every other moment

and she's probably not as darling as you


yeah yeah
laugh it up

[smokes]

first of all, where did that read come, fuck
i didn't realize the fuckin library was open
second of all. no but she's a bigger occult nerd than me. she's the one who actually does witchcraft shit. and she smokes
actually she collects knives, you two can trade knife notes or something

true, but that's a pretty tall order

🖤

[counterstep]

library's always open if you know how to break in
you can read me if it makes you feel better
why are you saying "she smokes" like you don't also smoke???
also we're talking about that
energy nature witch thing right and not like
well some other witch I know
right?


is it?
yeah guess you'd have to be a tree first huh

💙

[smokes]

nah, i won't read you. i'm hella kindhearted like that 👼
i meant it as like, here's a thing we have in common while you're trying to list off shit about me 🤷🏻
and uh that depends on what you mean by "energy nature witch"

it's kind of like...
i just have spooky shit, right. my brain is spooky shit, i'm spooky shit. witches are more like, they can use tools and rituals and that sort of thing to channel the spooky shit
some people are better at it than others, right. anyone can draw salt circle but some people are just gonna be ✨ talented ✨
i don't think tori could gaslight a whole town in new jersey but i wouldn't fuck with her


are you into trees? is this a kink thing i'm just learning about? 🤔

[counterstep]

wow lying to my face, just like that
what is this relationship to you huh?? a foundation of LIES???

I mean I wasn't going to mess with her, I was just trying understand the meaning used...
I'm not at all familiar with that kind of occult stuff though so uh
idk I guess I'll stick to my corner of idk what going on anymore and call it a day

no I'm more into idiot sharks that bite everything in sight
by which I mean not sight cause they can't see shit

[smokes]

what am i lying about?!?!?!

nah you're good
i just meant like, in general
i still think she would like you given you're the only person i've expressed interest in for more than 24 hours in years on years
but i already told you, i'll protect you you from spooky shit so
don't worry 🖤

yeah it's really more what they hear or smell
like the blood in the water thing is true
and they can hear movement
anyway what i'm trying to say is
shut up, i'm gonna bite you

[counterstep]

hella kind-hearted???

I can't tell if I should be worried numbering in that small of a group...
but sure ty
I mean Winky seems to like me enough so at least I'm not entirely abominable to spooky stuff
that ghost hasn't bothered us while I was there either and I thought he'd make a ruckus even

wait are you after my blood? cause idk how tasty serum is, if you're actually a vampire



do wish you were here now though
damn

[smokes]

what? am i not? is this how you tell me you think i'm an asshole? they must've called you winter soldier because you're stone cold

winky is a nanny cam that eats dead birds, you gotta stop treating it like a cat [ he says while he has also actually began to treat winky like a cat??? ]

and he's usually chill unless you do something to piss him off
oh yeah you should try to say please and thank you when you take the elevator
he fuckin loves getting people stuck on the damn elevator

idk, if i'm a vampire i feel like i should've bitten you enough to be living forever by now

and weird how you could fix that by being here 🤷🏻

[counterstep]

what??? that's not what I said
and that's just

I wasn't


I'm not


( the rest of the dialogue will just have to wait until bucky can handle looking at the rest of what alex said. )

[smokes]

[ alex, to his (very small amount of) credit, immediately realizes he fuckity fucked up. and now he's going to panic, throwing himself down a doom spiral of his own design. ]

oh shit dude i didn't mean it like that

YOU'RE NOT

i'm sorry

you're one of the best people on the entire planet

i was just joshing you because you were like "what" about the hella kindhearted thing
proving i'm not, so the fuck do i know

i shouldn't have said that, it wasn't funny
it was thoughtless and stupid

[counterstep]

( there's a sudden flood of quick messages, and bucky can't tell if they're good or bad. are the corrections? more things to pile on?

his phone is set down on the floor as he tries to decide and work up the nerve to handle it regardless. but it's taking a bit. it's taking a lot. )

[smokes]

[ at this point in his life, alex has realized it's more productive to call and use his out-loud words. will bucky answer? who knows, but it gives him more time to breathe and think(!!) about his words instead of throttling bucky's phone with text apologies.

instead, he can throttle bucky's phone with calling as many times as it takes for him to pick up. just like completely mentally healthy people do. completely mentally healthy people also repeat "don't panic" over and over in their head as in ineffective mantra. ]

[counterstep]

( the sudden call isn't helping him face his anxiety. and not the one after either when alex seems to hang up and call again when he's not being quick enough. part of him says he needs to walk away. another part of him feels like it will be worse if he does.

he manages after a few more tries on alex's part, but he's no more settled and certainly far more distressed.

his voice cracks over the line with his uncertainty. )

H- hello?

[smokes]

[ he's not panicking. he's breathing. he is not having a whole ass panic attack over the phone like the last time he did a big fuck-up. if he repeats these things in his head ad nauseam, they will become true.

even as bucky's voice breaking like that stabs him in his stupid heart.

what slowly comes out of his mouth, punctuated with a wavering breath: ]

Look, I'm just trying to say sorry. I was joking, but it wasn't funny. It was fucked up.

[counterstep]

( silence for a moment as bucky processes this, alex's words and tone and breath, and then there's a relieved shaky breath of his own to answer back after. )

Okay. I. Um. O- okay.

( is that a snuffle? yeah, might be. )

[smokes]

[ meanwhile, on the other end, alex is sitting there like "is he doing the thing where he says okay because he's shutting down? did i break bucky? is there a way i can repent, and does it involve me throwing myself off a cliff like the old people in midsommar?" ]

James. James. You're like my favorite person in the world. I dunno why I just... say shit. You deserve better than that.

[counterstep]

I.

I didn't know if, if.

( his breath catches as he tries to gather his nerves. )

M- maybe you changed your mind, or. Or.

( he can't seem to say it, whatever it is. there's instead a long silent pause, and eventually and strained sigh. )

I didn't want to become what they made me into.

[smokes]

[ meanwhile, alex feels the blood rushing to his ears from the shame of running his mouth so carelessly. careless. this is proving that his fear of he only ever hurts the people he cares about could be founded. could hold so much water. even without sitting in front of him, bucky's voice paints a vivid technicolor image of whatever broken expression he must be wearing.

the sound of his blood rushing to his head starts to sound a lot more like "i ruined everything."

all this is getting tumbled around in his head like the world's worst snow globe when he replies, voice significantly more waterlogged than it had been just moments ago — ]

You're not. I know you didn't want it. I don't know why I — I'm so sorry I made it sound like I thought you were. Or that I said anything that would even make you think that's how I could ever feel.

I'm not changing my mind about you. I'll never change my mind. But all I ever do is hurt you, what good is that? I don't wanna keep hurting you.

[ his mom was right about him. it would've been easy enough to toss aside a stray thought like that completely on any other day, but today? today, her shitty care package is sitting across from him on the coffee table like it's actually her, astral projecting over miles to call him an idiot and remind him that he can't do anything right. he hasn't ever done anything right, why would he start now???

he keeps staring at the box, wanting to throw it across the room but knowing that a) he is An Adult now and b) it will make noise and bucky might have thoughts about it. instead of... anything, his free hand does an arthur-style fist clench. and he sniffs up all that congestion that is definitely allergies and not tears. ]

[counterstep]

Wh- what? ( bucky sniffs anxiously and tries to keep his voice steady. ) What the hell are you talking about? "All I ever do is hurt you"? What are you even going on about?

( shuffling as bucky scrubs at his eyes. )

S- stop saying stupid shit right after you say all this stuff about never changing your mind, cause it sounds exactly like you're changing your fucking mind.

What about all the times we have fun and laugh? Do those not exist to you anymore? Is everything else just meaningless now cause o- of a misunderstanding? What I feel doesn't matter?

[smokes]

[ man that table turned so hard, alex was blown away, pinging into the sky like a super smash bros character. he fixed it — he fixed bucky being sad by making bucky mad. is that a victory or a lateral move???

however: it is comforting to have bucky go at him about the good times, in the "here's a highlight reel of all the times you haven't fucked up actually, dumbass" sense of it all. even as he fucks up again. he thinks in extremes because of all the shitty people in his life... also thinking in extremes. 💀 ]

No?! What the fuck? Of course all the good stuff matters! I just — I didn't know if I was fucking up so bad that it outweighed the good stuff.

And what you feel matters. It matters so much I overthink how I'm making you feel, I dunno.

[counterstep]

But that's what you're saying, when you say that stuff. Th- that it automatically is, even without knowing what I feel or caring what that is. That all of it's just bad and. And it sucks, you know, like. I'm sure you don't like it either when I talk bad about myself, but you're doing it and acting like, like I don't want you and that's just not true.

( he voice cracks at the end, the emotion too difficult to contain. alex doesn't get to decide that for him. these are things he's entitled to decide for himself now. )

You want me to believe that you're telling the truth about how you feel, that you won't go, but you don't trust me either when I'm saying the same stuff. It's. It's really confusing.

This is so confusing.

[smokes]

Yeah. [ he breathes out some of the tension he was carrying in his entire upper body. ]

It's hard to deal with each others' baggage when it's all the same baggage and there's no tags on it or anything. In a metaphor way.

Can't we make it not confusing? Can't I just love you?

[counterstep]

I. I dunno. I'm not sure that's how it works.

...but it'd be nice, if that were just enough. I. I don't like. Feeling this pressure in my chest. And I don't. Want to make you upset or. Just.

Maybe we just need some way to know that when we understand each other, then we don't have to worry about whatever else is left. Or something like that. But I'm not sure if that's. Feasible.

[smokes]

[ bucky: i'm not sure that's how that works
alex: okay, but, hear me out.... what if it did tho? ]

Me either. All that stuff. I don't like feeling like my heart is gonna explode 'cause I think I made you upset.

Like I said, sometimes when I'm mad I need to walk off and get it out of my system so I don't make things worse, right. Sometimes when chefs are on the line and start getting into a fight about something, they'll do "sorry" in sign language — like rubbing your chest over your heart kind of — to mean "we can talk about this later but we have shit to do right now that's more important." Maybe we could do some shit like that in person, so it's like "I still love you but I'm really upset right now" without making a whole conversation about it, you know? And if we're texting or on the phone it could be an emoji or a code word or some shit. Just so it's clear the world's not over. I think it'd help me, anyway, so...