[ and once again, that "mmhmm. yeah. makes sense" was not the response that made his serotonin receptors go brrr. he takes a moment to marinate in his own discomfort before, instead of trying to run his mouth until he hits some invisible jackpot, ask a big scary question — scary because he already feels in his heart like it's going to be no, and his first tentative baby step isn't worth anything. which then sends him down a thought spiral of "should it be? do i have to try harder to say something? if i'm thinking this much about it, am i a liar even though i wasn't trying to be?" ]
( it's easy to read the fragility in alex's question. carefully, bucky softens his tone to reply with more consideration. )
It's not about belief. Though, for the record, yes, I do believe you.
There's just. No real imperative, is there? Nothing making any of that action necessary. You're speaking in probability and possibility more out of resigned experience rather than genuine inclination.
And that's.
( painful to accept? difficult to reconcile against the affirmations alex has already sworn by? bucky doesn't know how to finish the sentence without feeling selfish. maybe that was the problem to begin with, letting himself believe he meant more than a passing distraction.
[ the answer leaves him feeling relieved, first of all, but with an aftertaste of something else. not mad? this isn't pineapple-worthy, or dissociation worthy. it's frustrating. he's frustrated. he's frustrated and can't do anything about it in the middle of a phone call, so he has to sit and stew in his own discomfort. horrible. 0/10, don't recommend. ]
No, you don't get it. I mean, you don't get it, but it's my fault you don't get it 'cause I'm not making it clear. Fuckin'... I want to because of you. I want to be better for you. But I don't want to put that much of me on you. Because if I fuck up, I don't want you to feel like it's you. Or that I won't just... give up if anything happens to you.
But if it's because of you, that's enough, right? That can be okay?
Isn't...that something for you to decide? If I'm the catalyst for positive change, I'm not going to fight against that. For the rest of the...
Okay, I'm not. Extremely clear on what you mean by putting you on me, cause I think the onus is still on you to do anything. Like. Yeah, I can feel things about how you feel or what you decide to do, but I'm not sure what you're asking permission for.
[ meanwhile, alex is sitting there letting winky clean his face (why is its tongue sticky what the fuck) thinking "oh... other people don't constantly seek validation from the people (read: person) they care about because they're so afraid they'll leave them. hoo boy is my mental illness showing." but at least the answer to his question was front-loaded there, so...? ]
I dunno. I thought you'd think that wasn't a good enough reason. And if it is a good enough reason but I still fuck up, I don't want you to think you weren't enough of a reason after all. Even though... yeah, it's all on me. I was just overthinking it. [ he's never going to stop saying all his thought processes out loud, at this rate. ]
I'd never blame a misstep on your opinion of me. These kinds of things are always a process anyway, aren't they? So I wouldn't expect you to nail it on the first try. I could never do anything like that either, so I wouldn't expect that of anyone else.
I would want to help, if you wanted my help. But I think that's really the only...part of the picture I could be in. When it comes to choosing what you want and trying.
[ even though they have their verbal misunderstandings, bucky usually manages to say the most right, most comforting thing in the end. (which usually only needs to be some variation of "i love you" or "i'm here.") alex exhales a breath he didn't even realize he was holding in.]
Yeah. I just... I mean it, you know? I wanna try to be better for you, I care a lot about what you think. I lo— [ abruptly: ] stop trying to lick my eye, you piece of shit!
[ accompanied by a hiss that is not alex. don't worry about what's happening over here. it's fine! ]
Yeah, he was cleaning my face. Which was fine until he tried to get my eye — hey! C'mon, you can't eat the phone. [ another hiss, followed by loud purring??? maybe winky hears bucky on the other line and misses him, who can truly say. ]
Anyway, uh — have you let him lick you? It's not sandpaper, it's fuckin' sticky. The fuck is that?
Cleaning your face? Why was he cleaning your— ( well, just in case winky can actually hear: ) Hey, Winky, it's okay, buddy. Alex is just in a mood right now.
Mm? Oh, his tongue? Yeah. It's like a dog's. Like a small dog's. I think it's kinda cute. He cleaned my hand a couple times after cooking, haha.
[ the sound of bucky's voice makes winky headbutt the phone, which only adds to alex's disdain. ] Hey, stop. Anyway, I dunno, he got up on my lap and started cleaning my face. [ alex says, pretending that he did not sit there petting him A While before that, or let him for several moments until he got to his eye. nope, it was totally random and not encouraged. ]
No, dude, it's soft and sticky. It's gotta be like a frog or something. [ he has no point of reference for dogs... but also none for frogs either, so? ] Fuck, do you think that's how it catches birds? [ winky has settled back down in his lap to purr loudy, which gives alex the feeling that that is exactly how it catches birds. nasty. nasty, but once again he can't bring himself to move him off. ]
And started cleaning you face? Just like that? ( well, that doesn't seem like something winky just does since bucky knows winky loves a good pet before doing anything like that. so— ) Were you petting him? When he go in your lap.
( cause that'd make much more sense. )
Wait, like a. Frog? That's not... Um. I mean he's more like a cat than a frog, so I would just assume he'd do it the cat way. Since he hisses and purrs and all that jazz.
[ sheepishly, like he just got caught in an actual Crime: ] I mean... yeah. He was just kind of sitting there, so. I did it just because he was there, I dunno.
[ guess what: he's doing it again now. who needs a fidget cube when you have winky? ]
Dude, he's not like anything, he's an aberration. He also has at least six eyes and no asshole, so let's not go assigning too many cat-like traits to him.
( meanwhile, bucky has no idea what to do with his hands and could definitely use a fidget cube instead. )
Why do you always gotta say that? He obviously likes being like a cat. Just cause he's there to keep an eye on you doesn't mean you should be so dismissive of how he prefers to identify, aberration or not.
If you're gonna be that critical of him, you may as well just call me a cyborg instead of a human, then.
[ the emotion of the moment is: confusion. he didn't expect bucky to get so upset on behalf of winky? or, even more, compare himself to winky. alex refuses to let winky the spy cat be another point of contention in his relationship, so he tries really hard to make peace. ]
He didn't do that much cat stuff until you started hanging around all the time. I dunno if it's because he likes you or wanted to seem more catlike for you, or... whatever. He was just a weird thing that sat on the balcony or the window sills before. But I'm not gonna fuckin' call you a cyborg — even though if you wanted to, you'd still be fuckin' sick — so I'll try to be nicer about him, okay? For real.
( the point is that he doesn't want to be called a cyborg, alex!!!
but he sighs after a moment, nodding, as if alex can see. )
Yeah. Thank you.
Look, I know it's. I know you don't like being spied on, but if this is already what you accepted, then how is it Winky's fault in any way? He's just doing his job just like you are.
Besides, you were petting him, and from the sound of it, he was trying to comfort you. Since you were distressed. Winky actually pays attention, okay? At least give him a little credit for trying. Please.
[ the "why are you so pissed off about winky spying on you when you keep fighting for the right to lie in the bed you made" of it all did not hit him until this moment. he looks down at his lap, where his hand had been idly scritching winky, but now lies still. he is the "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" recipient that he always mocks when going to collect on deals. at least his stupid prize cosplays as an emotional support animal. ]
Yeah. It was weird, because he's never done that before. I dunno why he's being all... this.
...when we. That time you got really high while I was visiting, and I couldn't sleep, Winky stayed up with me, you know. At one point, I tried to make him go away, but he insisted on sitting with me. So I don't think he's stupid about what goes on around your place, and even if he's there to keep an eye on you, he was still trying to keep me calm when I felt like panicking. Did well in keeping me that way, even.
Well, until he went on what a assume was a potty break and brought back a dead bird for me.
[but he snorts, because the thought of it is funny. the thought of the thing he missed. he will not go on a shame spiral about it, that direction leads to nowhere good — but he will take an internal moment to be grateful that winky is doing emotional support double duty, apparently. ]
At least it was really dead. Remember the time he brought in the live one?
He caused drama, didn't he? That shit felt pretty fuckin' dramatic.
And no, you don't need to google it. I dunno if that's actually what it is or if it's something I made up. Just like, in movies sometimes there's a pet or a kid that does some weird little mishap than make the couple work together so they fall in love more, or... something.
[ he idly pets winky again, who stretches on him with a couple eyes open. fact: winky sleeps like a dolphin, with different parts of his brain taking shifts. alex actually did know this, and yet, does not appreciate the reminder. 😭 ]
Maybe he does stuff just for hell of it. It'd be something he had in common with monsters and cats.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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You believe me, right?
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It's not about belief. Though, for the record, yes, I do believe you.
There's just. No real imperative, is there? Nothing making any of that action necessary. You're speaking in probability and possibility more out of resigned experience rather than genuine inclination.
And that's.
( painful to accept? difficult to reconcile against the affirmations alex has already sworn by? bucky doesn't know how to finish the sentence without feeling selfish. maybe that was the problem to begin with, letting himself believe he meant more than a passing distraction.
silence follows. )
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No, you don't get it. I mean, you don't get it, but it's my fault you don't get it 'cause I'm not making it clear. Fuckin'... I want to because of you. I want to be better for you. But I don't want to put that much of me on you. Because if I fuck up, I don't want you to feel like it's you. Or that I won't just... give up if anything happens to you.
But if it's because of you, that's enough, right? That can be okay?
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Okay, I'm not. Extremely clear on what you mean by putting you on me, cause I think the onus is still on you to do anything. Like. Yeah, I can feel things about how you feel or what you decide to do, but I'm not sure what you're asking permission for.
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I dunno. I thought you'd think that wasn't a good enough reason. And if it is a good enough reason but I still fuck up, I don't want you to think you weren't enough of a reason after all. Even though... yeah, it's all on me. I was just overthinking it. [ he's never going to stop saying all his thought processes out loud, at this rate. ]
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I'd never blame a misstep on your opinion of me. These kinds of things are always a process anyway, aren't they? So I wouldn't expect you to nail it on the first try. I could never do anything like that either, so I wouldn't expect that of anyone else.
I would want to help, if you wanted my help. But I think that's really the only...part of the picture I could be in. When it comes to choosing what you want and trying.
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Yeah. I just... I mean it, you know? I wanna try to be better for you, I care a lot about what you think. I lo— [ abruptly: ] stop trying to lick my eye, you piece of shit!
[ accompanied by a hiss that is not alex. don't worry about what's happening over here. it's fine! ]
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oh. )
Is Winky licking you? ( he chuckles, smiling to himself. ) Don't yell, darling, you'll just irritate him.
( as if the not-cat is actually a cat, but bucky has certainly become something of a winky expert, lately. )
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Anyway, uh — have you let him lick you? It's not sandpaper, it's fuckin' sticky. The fuck is that?
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Mm? Oh, his tongue? Yeah. It's like a dog's. Like a small dog's. I think it's kinda cute. He cleaned my hand a couple times after cooking, haha.
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No, dude, it's soft and sticky. It's gotta be like a frog or something. [ he has no point of reference for dogs... but also none for frogs either, so? ] Fuck, do you think that's how it catches birds? [ winky has settled back down in his lap to purr loudy, which gives alex the feeling that that is exactly how it catches birds. nasty. nasty, but once again he can't bring himself to move him off. ]
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( cause that'd make much more sense. )
Wait, like a. Frog? That's not... Um. I mean he's more like a cat than a frog, so I would just assume he'd do it the cat way. Since he hisses and purrs and all that jazz.
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[ guess what: he's doing it again now. who needs a fidget cube when you have winky? ]
Dude, he's not like anything, he's an aberration. He also has at least six eyes and no asshole, so let's not go assigning too many cat-like traits to him.
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Why do you always gotta say that? He obviously likes being like a cat. Just cause he's there to keep an eye on you doesn't mean you should be so dismissive of how he prefers to identify, aberration or not.
If you're gonna be that critical of him, you may as well just call me a cyborg instead of a human, then.
( is that a frown in his voice? it sure it! )
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He didn't do that much cat stuff until you started hanging around all the time. I dunno if it's because he likes you or wanted to seem more catlike for you, or... whatever. He was just a weird thing that sat on the balcony or the window sills before. But I'm not gonna fuckin' call you a cyborg — even though if you wanted to, you'd still be fuckin' sick — so I'll try to be nicer about him, okay? For real.
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but he sighs after a moment, nodding, as if alex can see. )
Yeah. Thank you.
Look, I know it's. I know you don't like being spied on, but if this is already what you accepted, then how is it Winky's fault in any way? He's just doing his job just like you are.
Besides, you were petting him, and from the sound of it, he was trying to comfort you. Since you were distressed. Winky actually pays attention, okay? At least give him a little credit for trying. Please.
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Yeah. It was weird, because he's never done that before. I dunno why he's being all... this.
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...when we. That time you got really high while I was visiting, and I couldn't sleep, Winky stayed up with me, you know. At one point, I tried to make him go away, but he insisted on sitting with me. So I don't think he's stupid about what goes on around your place, and even if he's there to keep an eye on you, he was still trying to keep me calm when I felt like panicking. Did well in keeping me that way, even.
Well, until he went on what a assume was a potty break and brought back a dead bird for me.
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[but he snorts, because the thought of it is funny. the thought of the thing he missed. he will not go on a shame spiral about it, that direction leads to nowhere good — but he will take an internal moment to be grateful that winky is doing emotional support double duty, apparently. ]
At least it was really dead. Remember the time he brought in the live one?
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But yeah, of course I remember. Doubt I could ever forget that happening in the middle of a.
...wait, do you think he did that so we'd stop arguing?
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[ at the question, he crinkles his nose while looking down at winky. nudges him a little with his palm. winky... does nothing. he's asleep. ]
You think he's a magical romcom animal? 'Cause it's either that or he did it for the drama, and I'd think that before the first thing.
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I don't really have any reason to think he'd ever try to cause drama, but. I suppose you know him better.
Not saying he's some. Magical romcom animal. Whatever that means. I don't. Actually know what that means, uh. Should I Google that?
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And no, you don't need to google it. I dunno if that's actually what it is or if it's something I made up. Just like, in movies sometimes there's a pet or a kid that does some weird little mishap than make the couple work together so they fall in love more, or... something.
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...wait you think he does that specifically? Like trying to get us together? I'd just thought he didn't like us being upset.
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[ he idly pets winky again, who stretches on him with a couple eyes open. fact: winky sleeps like a dolphin, with different parts of his brain taking shifts. alex actually did know this, and yet, does not appreciate the reminder. 😭 ]
Maybe he does stuff just for hell of it. It'd be something he had in common with monsters and cats.
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